Flustered

I have a bad attitude right now. It's silly to feel like this. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make this wish a reality right now, but life doesn't give us those advantages. Also, this thing isn't that bad to be so upset about but it's the steps one must go through to reach the end result and final answer to complete the solution that is time consuming.

It has to do with the federal government and a benefit - one which a member of our family is eligible. He insists he doesn't need it, but he's only a young man with not a lot of experience of life under his belt - he has no clue, really! We're trying to help and maybe he doesn't what to put us out or maybe be involved. It involved health insurance coverage - the advantage of the new Obama law of children up to age 26 on parents polities.

We were his legal guardians and he is eligible but we have to fill out the right forms even though he had already been on the policy before - new forms, more waiting time........don't like waiting, getting older as a senior citizen has driven out the patience I use to have.

Oh, don't get me wrong in most cases I have tons of patience - I enjoy sitting and watching people in a hurry knowing their haste won't get them there any quicker - or watch speeding care zoom by and realize we'll most likely get the same place they do only a few seconds later - they have the most probably of getting a speeding ticket too.

I waited 45 minutes for a federal person to answer the telephone. He was very nice and helpful however I goofed and failed to take down important information thinking I was going back to an original number for more information - which didn't pan out. I am agitated at myself and at the process. I had more patience and where with all when a was younger, but these day, it affects me to the point of a very bad mood.

It's not the end of the world. My time is not taken up during the day with important tasks. Being retired I do have lots of free time to do this stuff so I should be ashamed of myself for complaining.

My husband just came in and patted me on the shoulder and thanked me for doing this task for him. He dislikes it even worse than I do. It's always nice to be noticed and thanked for a good job even when the job isn't an earth shaking paper pusher event.

I feel better now.

It's already well into the New Year.

I have been so delinquent writing in my blog. I was over come with fun in Farmtown and Farmville on Facebook. My thinking ability to write was removed and replace by competition with my husband. When I realized that we weren't doing anything but sitting on our rear ends doing those two Facebook games, and on yes, then the Vineyard, I sort of threw a fit. He had no time for me. So, for LOVE we gave those things up. It's not that we get more loving but at least we do talk more often. The more loving part has been acceptable as is because of our age and our conditions.

I was thinking the other night "Getting Old" is a good topic and I've probably talked about it until you are bored to tears. Unfortunately, once you hit a certain age your body does change - or well, even illness will change your bodies capabilities, and aging doubles the anxieties.

I have friends who have very full lives. The travel and are very active in sports. They are vibrant and energetic. They are the same age as I am. Our life styles are different and I've had more children so I wonder if that has had anything to do with it. Hmmm, I wonder. Does having kids wear a mother out thus leaving her vulnerable for extra illnesses? My Aunts who had far more children than I did all suffer from one to many sort of illnesses. But, it's too late for me to change that and you might say why dwell on it. And, you would be perfectly correct.

Of late, however, I have contemplated on when exactly I began feeling so very crappy and every year it is worse. Finally, I decided the best thing to do would be blogging it which is sort of documenting, then I can come back for reference. I'll try to vary my topics so not to become so redundant.

I do need to change my photos too - lots of water under the bridge since I last posted.

I hope you all are well and you and your family are all well. We had the best Christmas ever - very memorial. It was nice. I hope yours was the same.

Take care and God bless.

Just another Saturday

Good morning! It is a beautiful morning. Cool enough to leave the sliding glass door open. Fall is upon us I thought I heard the weatherman say, but our desert temperatures are going back up into the 100s. The pool water is cold but this week will be the last hurrah, it's a must to get in all the swimming before the chilly winds come around and it won't be a pleasant feeling when I get out of the pool. I am so mousy and picky since I've gotten older, don't know what happened to my stamina. I blame it all on the day Brian die. I need to give it up and turn it around, but maybe it's my excuse to hold on to it.

Do you feel like you are in a rut and it is the way your life is suppose to be? I know that may seem negative sounding, but the things that happen to us seem to be in the same format. I know there is an easy out by saying no but that wouldn't be true to form. It would be difficult. I've never done it - well, I'm trying. It's different, it's not my style, but its becoming a necessity.

I have a question? Have you heard from God today? If so, what was the outcome? Aside from all the blessings in your life that we take for granted, don't you have prayers for help and assistance for some problem you need solved and don't you feel like you've prayed forever and there's been no signs that you can recognize? I've been praying for a specific solution, sign, change, or whatever to the same situation in my life for years, so has my husband. I ask him every once in a while if he's gotten an answer yet, and his reply is the same, no answer. Outside of the regular Catholic prayers that are so routine in my day, I'll let out a "Hey God, I'm still down here, how about............(He knows what, I'm sure of it!!) My eyes are elevated to the Heavens as though I am seeing straight through the clouds to the pearly gates. Nothing. Just nothing..........so if there is no answer, sign, or anything, is it just as it is!!! A blank sheet! What do I do - keep on keeping on in an as is journey!

It's getting difficult, there must be change. I don't know what to do. I hope there is an answer soon.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I hope too that God blesses you with all your needs.

Disgusting turn of life events

It's all Facebook's fault...for the past year I have spend more time sitting on my backside than I have in all the time of my whole life on earth.

This morning the reality of that sit down reflected in the ugly turn of the dial on my bathroom weight scale. I was in the state of shock at the revelation of the numbers that appeared. I've been ignoring that piece of equipment for many months. Being in a state of depression and hating the state of events in my life, the last thing I've wanted to care about was the little numbers on the face of that awful piece of equipment. Today was to be my face to face with reality since my health have gone down hill so drastically - I knew part of it was the weight, but I didn't expect what I saw.

And yes, Facebook is one of the culprets to be blamed. I blame my husband too. I blame my kids, I blame the weather, and I blame this one and that one.......but mostly I blame myself.

I am blessed with a good life - a wonderful husband of 46 years, but the lifestyle stinks. We have plans to change but things aren't lining up. We try to make the best of it, but it isn't good enough for me. Seeing the positive admidst all the negatives isn't always easy. What I see as a paint in the patootee many not be to you --- but by this time in my life I didn't expect to be tied down still raising kids, especially when they are not mine. I know, it may seem life it would be easy enough to get out of but not when children are involved - that's my core belief. You can't go against your core believe - at least not as a mother.

So here I am faced with the reality of needing to "start all over" again. I am signed up on Weight Watcher's online" - it's not real expensive, but its enough, but better than going to the meetings which I've done. The meetings are ok, in fact both Bob and I were going and we enjoyed it. But, after the trip to Maine and lobster rolls - only putting back a couple of pounds, surprise! - the meeting has accummulated about 20 more people and it wasn't the same. The group leader was wonderful and we really liked her, but the tone of the environment wasn't the same, so we quit. I have found the online site is helpful - as long as I log everything I eat everyday - it really does work - for me.

Bob has also gained and he also weighs more weight that he ever has. He has to have knee surgery as do I - - but the physicians have told both of us to loss weight first......We don't seem to pay attention to those guys - - - but what has hit us is the fact we can't breath and are having huge difficulty getting around without struggling...thus making our tasks of playing on Facebook a whole lot more fun.

We've started this week to be serious about what we put in our mouth. It's a lifelong program for both of us. It is easy for Bob to lose weight, he is more active than I am. I have a slower metabolism - always have been that way all my life even when I was extremely active.

Hope you and your family are well and life is good for you. May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You!

My oh my how time flies when you're having a blast!

I was connected to "Pioneer Woman" website entering a contest and I had forgotten my blog name so when I connected here I saw I hadn't posted since August - I was ashamed!!!

So many things have happened, well, events have happened since I last wrote. I had a birthday and turned 66 - I think, wait a minute, let me count!!! If you think that's funny, it is because I do forget because I really don't want to think I've gotten this far YET!!!! Believe me I haven't gotten this far without a battle either. It was so much fun up until a point then it seemed like all heck broke loose.

A friend made the point the other day he was leaving the 40s and adding the 5 on - and he was thoughtfully reticent about the up and coming event. My response was the 50s are still pretty good, but it was in the 60s when I started going down hill big time. This guy is a hiker though - he has a huge advantage over my lifestyle - he will do fine. His mom is several years older than me and she hikes up the Alps, and looks great. I'll just say, if you have the advantage and opportunity to do that type of exercise - do it!!! Unfortunately, my life took a different turn and I never had that chance.

My responsibility can in the form of caring for my son. We all have choices and bends to take in our life. Some have a straight way to go, others have many bends....but you know I think in the end, we all have our share of trials one way or the other.

We also celebrated our 46 wedding anniversary. It was uneventful, decided by both to be so. We are grateful to be together that long. As Bob will say - I am his best friend and I say to him - He is my best friend. We have fun together, we cry together, and we pray together. So, that pretty much says it all. Through the grace and blessings of God we have made it this far. It was meant to be even though it was "love at first sight!"

Next we had another birthday - Bob's, he made the last number before 70. Where has the time gone??? I can't fathom where the time has gone so quickly!!! We celebrated his birthday for the whole weekend because one or the other of the kids couldn't be here - so Tom and Tine could come on Friday, the others were here on Sunday. We had lots of cake this weekend - - not too good for our Weight Watcher diet but we counted.

Our health is about as good as it gets for our age - - we have routine knee problems still waiting on surgery for both of us. Other problems some serious some not so bad but we have lots to be thankful for - God has been good but we still have a special prayer for our future hanging out there and we haven't heard from HIM yet!!!! I know HE's heard it because we've seen other prayers of ours answered!!! The Mysteries of the Lord are many.

We have one more birthday this month - - our very special grandson Tom - we raise him. He is going to college now, studying to be a Paramedic. He has completed his three years in the Army and is home for now. We are so proud of him.

Economy stinks - our son and granddaughter still live with us. But the others are doing fine.

It's even stranger how fast this year has gone - like in fast motion. We went swimming today and the water has gone from being like warm bath water to ice cube cold. In this dry desert air once the temps get back down in the 90s or even lo 100 the water starts cooling off. We are enjoying the pool for the last few days the heat remains in the 90s - we are brave.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas we will on us before we can turn around twice and blink. I hope things turn out better for our country soon. It's very stressful to see the things going on around us.

Well, folks I hope you are well and things for you have been good. May God bless you abundantly with all the blessings and miracles you need each day.

Green Pool

There are problems everywhere. Retired on a limited budget. Unemployment high which includes a son who is unemployed with no car and living at home with a daughter. Value of homes have dropped so dramatically - great for home buyers but lousy for those hoping to sell. Political scene very depressing. Health care cost going up as we age and as life would have it, we are progressing into that age bracket of more health problems.

Then there's the green pool. One day the water in the pool is sparkling and enjoyable for relaxing and forgetting all your troubles. But, unbeknownst the green goblin is working overtime as you sleep and in the morning the pool is a slimy green color. How did that happen? Who knows!!!!

The daytime temperature is still maintaining highs of over 110 and a swim would be refreshing, but who wants to swim in green goop. It all seems so minor and it is in the face of all the other daily problems we have. It is a distraction too putting into prospective the important issues and things we could do without.

Although, on the other hand, if this was your house and you had a For Sale sign on your front lawn, would you really want to have a Green Pool??? No, I don't think so. It isn't that issue right now, but it is necessary to clean it up or it will just get worse. Our kids want a pool when they buy a house, so as hubby makes several trips to the pool store, I let the adult kiddies know how much the chemicals cost. Hubby is retired, so he has all the time in the world to spend poolside cleaning the filters and scraping down the sides of the pool for hours in 110' heat. Oh yeah! such fun.....The comment from the adult kid who wants a pool is of unbelievable surprise. After all he is fresh out of the Army and just moved into his first apartment, paying bills and enjoying real Capitalism. It all looks so easy when you're young.

My hubby is a gem. He knows I love to swim, he does too - a fine exercise for both of us. Old age and finances has trimmed the yearn for this luxury, maybe a lap pool enclosed would be nice, but next time, they'll be no pool in our back yard. They are common here in the west so its not a big deal but even so, you know, it's difficult to find a home without a pool.

Hope you are having a great day without pests to deal with like the green algae or bed bugs as seems to have taken over New York! Oh my God, what's that crawling up my leg???? Help!

Letter to a Friend

Good morning Friend,

How are you today? What is happening in your life? I hope you and your family are well. Have you been traveling? Remember all the dreams we had, the places we wanted to visit and things we wanted to accomplish? Where has the time gone? If we had made a checklist, I wonder how many of those on the list would be crossed off.

It's a beautiful day here in Southern Nevada. I have my earphones on listening to my favorite music on my playlist webpage. I was thinking earlier I miss the private quiet time I had back in my office when no one was around. My favorite past time was to turn the music loud and do whatever it was that needed to be done whether it was writing out the bills, writing letters, cleaning up the bookshelves or filing, but it was so relaxing. I was elevated to a higher elevation of my own environment rarely interrupted. It was very refreshing and pleasant.

But, like all things in life when there are children and grandchildren even friends and other family members that have requirements we sometimes have to give up, sacrifice if you will, the pleasures of our life to adjust for other's needs.

I know you have experienced the problem of getting behind in your chores for one reason or another. The family was all home starting sometime the last of May through a week or so ago. I've lost track of time. Being retired there are no beginnings or endings unless someone sets a schedule. Have you noticed how people rush everywhere they are going? Well, friend, being retired I have the pleasure and excitement of watching them in the hustle and bustle going their way. It is amusing too, sometimes in my slow gait I arrive at the same place within a few seconds because I see the obstacles and can avoid them without any anxiety.

When we go somewhere with the kids - kids as defined our own adult children, their companions, grandchildren and their companions - we request they "go ahead" of the pack. Bob and I meander behind at a slow deliberate pace. Sometimes the heat takes it toil on our breathing so we have to pause, but what's the hurry.

It is marvelous to watch a hummingbird for long minutes without any interruptions. Watching them pose on a branch watching eagerly for another friend to visit their feeding table, only to chase their friend off, often playing in mid-air. Taking time to watch nature and be aware of the value of the joy they bring to one's life is a gift from God.

God has given us so many treasures sometimes we miss them in our hurried existence. I have a friend who has watched two doves visit her, landing on her brick wall where she has provided feed. She waits for their return and when there was a length of time they failed to feed, she worried as though they were a part of her family. It is these occasions of life that we miss when we are young and busy with everyday life and making a living.

There is a time and a place - I am thankful to be at this time and this place. I have much to be thankful for, there are some things I could do without, but they are there for a reason. Sometimes we wonder what God is thinking, what does He really want from us........I think this often. "Hello God! Jean calling. Help God!!! what's happening? I really need to hear from You? This time You've given me a doozie to deal with. What's up with that?" I've said these words more often than I'd like to recall. Sometimes there's no answer, but boy oh boy, when He does answer - it is so awesome. When He answers and it's a flat out cold splash of water in the face, I am so shocked but then why wasn't I ready for it!!!!

It's a good day. Thank you my Lord for all my blessings. Dear Friend, I hope your day is fill with so many gifts and blessings today you too are shocked. Please take good care. Love you!

CHRIS BOTTI IN BOSTON | Shape of My Heart Sting & J. Groban

Choice

I briefly scanned an article that came to my email box this morning. The article made the statement "life is a matter of prospective" and I agree. The article's first paragraph stated that sometimes we say or do things we regret but can never take back. I am always say stupid things and I wonder why I can't get my mouth and brain to work together. Why can't I see far enough into the future to realize what I am going to say will both sound stupid and may cause either pain or hysteria. I have been on a roll with that tragedy more recently and I don't know why. After I realized what I've said and mull it over in my mind for days, I make resolutions to be mindful of what I saw - but it doesn't work. I keep on either giving out secrets that I've kept private for years or add situations which don't apply today. Whether or not these misstatements have affected the dear ones I'm talking to was not evident. Then I think, ok, you need to talk to them about it - oh no!!! by bringing it up may emphasize the topic ---- think!!! maybe they weren't paying any attention anyhow --- oh good, can I get out of it that easy??? I think not.

I think I will just wait until the subject matter comes up again then I will try to explain it away! Oh dear me, my mouth really does get me in trouble. I am a senior citizen who has lost good social skills and I am blaming my rampant mouth problems on that!!!

I do have a choice and if I were still a kid, I could hear my mom saying "you need more self-control!" She would be right. I must revert my lack of foresight of the outcome of what I say to attempting to not speak of certain matters without realizing the outcome of my words.

I hope you have a lovely day and may God bless you with abundant graces. Take good care.

Birth of The Blues

Library

Waiting for a few minutes to get ready to go visit our new library in our neighborhood. I am really excited. The new one has better parking and easier access on the outside - even has a drive-through window. I can't imagine!

I have fond memories of walking or riding my bike to my neighborhood library where I grew up. It was a good thing. It wasn't very large and the people were very friendly and helpful. It was a great thing to have growing up. I enjoyed reading the "Hardy Boys" and books like that. My mom was a reader too so I guess she made that impression.

We are taking granddaughter Alex with us. I think it is a good thing to have as a routine visit. She loves to read and is in the reading club at her school. This is something to share with her. She lives with us and I have to admit unfortunately, it is a different life experience when you either raise your grandchild as we did with Tom or they live with you with one of their parent as in the case of son Kevin. They are with you everyday and there are no surprises - and as you get old, surprises are wonderful. We have several other grandchildren around the United States and the anticipations of the time when we might see them is a thrilling emotion.

I buy books routinely but need to get in the habit of borrowing and returning to the library because my budget these days is struggling and straining at the seams. There is a new book out by John Grisham I am going to look for today. He is a good read and I can get through it in a couple of days especially since tomorrow is Sunday and no plans except to visit Brian up at the cemetery. Reading on Sunday is both relaxing and refreshing to the mind - of course, it would depend on what kind of book you're reading.

A lot has happened in this home since I last wrote. We had two months of the house burgeoning at the seams. People in and out - my grocery bill has been out of sight hence the budget reflex!!! Today it is quiet, except for Alex's singing to the music on the radio. I don't mind. Tom use to whistle all the time and Alex sings. Music for the soul.

Hope you are well and life is good in your life and home. May God bless and keep you safe.

I Am America

Unexpectedly quiet

For all the ranting and raving I've committed myself to in other posts about peace and quiet, I am admitting here and now experiencing this quiet is a very weird to silence this morning. For the past six weeks the activity in our home has been like a carnival atmosphere.

This morning our oldest son left out on his motorcycle for a new job. He has been home for all of that six weeks, maybe more. He had come home to leave from here to go to his daughter's graduation in another state, but when he returned, he was notified he no longer had a job. He was very fortunate he was able to secure another job offer and he left early this morning to begin another new adventure.

Each one of us has a different aura that we can connect with whether it's a quiet serene or noisy "hey you, I've arrive, and I'll be here awhile" type. This son was that type - the noisy one. He enjoys conversing, teasing and is a worry wart like his mom's family. So, we know when he is around. He is very independent and won't expect us to worry - he doesn't want that burden. He knows we have enough troubles on our mind at our age.

The two other auras who have been present are traveling. They are medium noise and don't require a lot of attention because they haven't lived at home in years. They disappear quietly and return the same - we have to inquire whether they are here or gone because they are not in the habit of answering to anyone. They are pleasant auras and nice to have around so now they are gone I miss them, but they have left something behind for us to watch - their dog. She can be very high maintenance, but is a wonderful pet. She is starting to show signs that she really misses them. The other day Bob had to do something in Tom's car and he got his keys to go outside. there must be something about the "sound" of the clinking of the keys that woke Peanut up, she reacted with an awareness that she does when they come in the door. Tom and Tine are very active and are active with Peanut ---we are more sublime although the others have tried to keep Peanut busy like taking her for walks and playing with her. But, I think dogs know the difference. She does sleep on their bed for familiarity. I know she will be so happy when they come home.

I love having the TV off. We do have our favorite shows but they aren't on all the time all day. I love quiet and solitude too. I treasure the moments when I have this luxury. There are three other auras in our home I haven't mentioned, I think I'll save for another post.

It is a good day. The past six weeks have been wonderful having the family around, in and out, friends filling the house, food overflowing on the tables and counter tops, laughing, yelling, sports, games, all the things of excitement in the moments-----and it all wears me out in a very positive way. I have slept very soundly.

God bless and take good care. I am so thankful for all my blessing.

The Harmonica Man

The Harmonica Man

An amazing and enjoyable story.

Walking in My shoes

Have you ever had a situation where you were involved as a by stander in a conversation and you opened your mouth and inserted your big foot by commenting on something that didn't concern you? I have a huge habit of doing that. I also learn my lessons the hard way, and some day and sometimes I don't learn anything at all. And, you know once you've said it, even after realizing you should have not said anything it's too late to apologize because you could never right it, regardless. I think to myself "when will I learn!" But I still apologize because I know I was wrong and I am truly sorry for the intrusion. There is an uncomfortable feeling for a while, but nothing more is said, and its is okay. I won't do that again.

But, then, another situation not quite the exact same, very different situation. Earlier I was expressing to a friend of my limitations and my dependence on my husband for assistance in some situation, sometimes more than I prefer. I got the same type of "foot in mouth" from the friend as I dished out, but, she doesn't know it. I had sense enough to realize what I said to another person was wrong, it was my gut that told me - but the issue with my friend now has taken a different turn. There's no body language to read, or voice to hear maybe agitation, it was the written word that affect me. I was going to write and express and try to explain that her judgement was wrong, but I knew unless you get it, you wouldn't understand - and if she had gotten it, she wouldn't have voiced her opinion in the manner she did. Repeating would be repetitious which can lose a lot in the translation. No point!

All this brings me to a thought I had earlier today, a very important aspiration of walking in someone shoes. When we look at our friends, listen to their problems, sorrows, happiness or just a conversation, are we judging as they speak? Do we listen with our hearts or our brains and thinking how we would handle that or pass judgement, or maybe not listen at all.

Through Facebook, I have "found" many friends I went to grade school with and many I knew in other times of my life. I envy some because on the surface it looks like they have a wonderful life, but there are others who have had struggles and are honest about those struggles but really made the best of it and deal with the problems life throws at them. There are still others who do struggle every day and manage, but there are some who from my eyes look as though they've had a great life with some problems, but they look so contented and what they write about is so wonderful and their philosophies are so positive almost to the point of being pushy and sickening. Which makes me wonder if they are thinking of only themselves as being holier than everyone around them.

Ideally, if I could I would like to change my method of reacting right now. I would like to be more conscientious of each person's individuality and set of problems so I could be sensitive and not say stupid things or give advice when I shouldn't - or maybe just listen instead of saying anything. To me, that is an ideal friend that everyone should have - no criticisms, no judgement, only pure honest interest and compassion. It is a lot to ask after all, we just want to help even if our opinion isn't required or requested. We all need just one of those special friends, we're very fortunate if we ready have one.

No one could imagine the depth of my pain from my experiences, but a good friend wouldn't expect another friend to experience anything so horrific. I wouldn't want anyone to experience my pain. I wouldn't want anyone to walk in my shoes. However, I would like an extension of a sensitivity and compassion, but it isn't that simple - no one reacts the way we expect or we think they should because they are not us. They couldn't even begin to walk in your shoes or my shoes because we each have our own pair of shoes that fit only our life.

We are given a special life path to follow, if we have friends who walk beside you down the path, to be there when you fall, or pray for you when you are hurting, cry when you cry, then you've got a beautiful matching pair - but there are those who cannot see or feel because their life will never parallel yours so they will never know your pain, but yet they will express opinions that may not be helpful, in fact painful because they don't understand. How do you respond, with unkind words, with attempted explanations, going back over the expressions of your situation - actually none of the above - if the person understood, nothing would have been said, so any more words might make it worse.

In both my situations - one was created by me toward a friend. The other was applied to me from a friend. In the first situation I didn't walk in my friend's shoes but I should have, I could have, when I realized on my own, I did apologize. In the second situation my friend didn't walk in my shoes but she couldn't have because her path has taken her down a different avenue that didn't run parallel with my path. I learned a lesson this week. I am very thankful and I hope that I can do better for my friends regardless of whose path I am walking beside.

I Fought For You By The Sound Tank

Is there a time for quiet?

Our home has been jumping like a Jazz Concert in the Park since Tom has come home from the Army. As I've probably mentioned he brought his gal Tine home with him and their dog - Peanut. To be honest, Peanut does not look like a Peanut, more like a Sara or Patty or Monique, but Tine loves the Peanut with Jeff Dunham.

Peanut is a lovable dog but her attention doesn't come cheap - there are bribed involved to get close to her. I have followed all the necessary routes to win her over and now we are best pals. She's a sweet dog like no other I've had around. She is a mommy's girl - and that is a new one for me. I have missed having pets ever since my dog Angel, yellow lab, died a couple years ago. Bob said no more. We've always had pets since I met Bob and he brought home a black kitten he found in the parking lot where he worked. It's nice to have Peanut around, she is sweet.

I am at the place in the road where the pavement moves in several different directions and I have to make a choice of which way to go. It is absolutely necessary I chose the right one because my life is moving way too fast for mistakes.

Tom and Tine are starting their life together. They have their apartment, set up to go to college and buying furniture. Their energy and strengths reminds me so much of myself - I could do anything and I had so much physical strength too. I felt a tinge of guilt the other day as I watch Tine help Tom move a huge box downstairs remembering how easy and common it was for me to help Bob do the very same thing years ago. Today I struggle to get down the stairs and heaven forbid, I couldn't carry a thing. It is a sad remembrance although I shouldn't face it like that.

We have a big home and the kids - all of them and their friends, the grandchildren and whoever come in and make themselves comfortable. It's wonderful to have that environment, but I do yearn for privacy and my own space. The decision I must make is about a house and the size of the house to be the new home for my husband and I. We do have a son and granddaughter living with us, but there are several problems with that arrangement that is causing problems and unless our son can change those problems I don't want him to live with us. I worry about our granddaughter, but there are extreme options - something he wouldn't like, but just how long is a parent suppose to support their adult children and grandchildren?

This is the problem. I really yearn to be alone with my husband. We have so much fun together and I don't like having to sneak around to be passionate - it seems as though we've always had someone living with us or we lived with someone for a short time - I want my own place.

I have prayed but haven't received an answer. I know God has a lot on his plate today with all the stuff going on in the world so maybe I'm expecting too much. But it says, asks and you shall receive. I'm waiting. I hope someday I can write the news that we have been given our freedom to live our lives alone. My husband will be 69 and I will be 66, I think it's time for that second Honeymoon, don't you?

Happiness is.....

Yesterday was Father's Day. In our home it was a very different type of day from any other Father's Day we've celebrated in the past. Bob did receive a special surprise from Grandson Tom who recently was Honorably Discharged from the Army and has come home. This is Tom's home, we raised him and I have missed him so much. Grandson Tom and his gal Tine took us out to dinner to celebrate Bob's Father's day a few days earlier. They were going out of town on Father's Day, they had made plans with friends without realizing it was Bob's special day. Bob is not sticky about the "day" but he really appreciated know thoughtful Tom and Tine were. The restaurant they took us too was very different from any we had ever been and we enjoyed ourselves so much. Tom and Tine also gave Bob a very special gift which he has enjoyed. The biggest gift was the presence of Tom and Tine back home.

As for the other kids, there were no treats or cards, no telephone calls, no greetings except from one son who verbally wished Bob Happy Father's day. I wondered why and how it's come to this.
Bob and I sat outside on the patio talking early yesterday morning about our life now. We've been married almost 46 years and we are both well into our 60s and have been retired for a few years now yet we are still supporting our kids and helping with a granddaughter, we have also raised our grandson Tom who has grown into a wonderful man, but raising another granddaughter is not something I am not up to today especially due to some health problems. Ours is not the only story about adult children moving back home and grandparents raising grandchildren, I hear it all the time now. But, you know what, it isn't fair. I gave up everything I could have been to stay home and raise my kids who were no surprises, these are children I wanted with all my heart. Today as my life is this is not the future I had planned to be living. Although I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful man whom I not only love with all my heart but I like and we are best friends.

When I begin dwelling on these things, I know that everyone has their burdens whether it's an illness or some other tragedy and I know no one escapes this life without some issue to cause distress or unhappiness. I never thought I would ever admit either that today I was very unhappy. I am blessed in so many ways and I try to look beyond the negative but more and more as I enter into another year of my life I am becoming more depressed. I do have health problems, nothing like cancer, but the usual old age things that seem to get worse. It has been my hope to enjoy life and some freedom before it is too late. My husband expressed this same hope yesterday. But, the question is, how do you escape your adult children? Run away?

It is not an issue at this time - running away, we are not in the position to do so either responsibly or financially, but I am hoping within the next year we can. My big plan is to sell our big home, downsize to a small place, buy a small motor home then leave town for parts unknown for months on end. And, that's where the happiness comes in.......we talked about where would we go, where is my favorite place and I always say it's Maine. We went there a couple of years ago in the fall right after Bob retired and we also went there when Brian was alive and we had the motor home and Tom was with us too. The beaches are beautiful and the sand is firm for walking. I didn't want to leave. Both visits were so memorable and wonderful, I can't wait to return.

We also love Montana especially in the northern section near Canada. We went to Banff National Park in Canada, about 8 years ago and took Tom. We went through Glacier National Park and Lake Louise - oh my, the scenery is so breath-taking. Those places are happiness to me, peaceful and beautiful. Then there's Ohio where my family and friends live. Ohio also provides a bountiful of places to visit and enjoy. We saw Charleston, SC, on one of our trips to visit Tom at Ft. Bragg, NC, when we were taking his car out to him. Charleston was marvelous and we have a granddaughter living just a few miles from there. We haven't been to Florida either. Oh, I can't forget to mention Monticello in Virginia. I had forever and ever wanted to go there and we went during our retirement trip. It is so beautiful and awe inspiring. I am glad we went there but there are so many more states we haven't seen.

And so I ask, is happiness all a frame of mind? Is it the life we create around us? Or is it a place or the people? I struggle to make each day a good day and not be too grumpy about my problems with my adult children - but they are burdens and I can't seem escape their lives even mentally. Somedays I do want to run away and I would not feel guilty if I could. I am not impulsive and must have everything done right before I run.

But, you know what scares me, this is weird, and yes, we do pray, I pray for help, guidance, assistance, and all that - for both me and the kids, but I know too, sometimes you get what you pray for so you must be careful what and how you ask, at least that's my experience and my impression. I'll tell you why - - I prayed for a close family this was due in part to the enormous problems I had with my husband's mother. Well, I got a close family alright, they moved in! So, do we need to put exclusions on our prayers for help to God, like "either or" or "this way but not that" or not ask at all. Does it matter anyhow? Will we get what's coming to us whether we pray or not? The trials seem to go on and on. I can't find a way out even though I don't want to become overwhelmingly negative. Sometimes I'm not really sure about praying either.

I do feel so fortunate God brought Bob and I together. He is the sunshine of my day and I am thankful for his presence in my life and do not take him for granted. He is the Gift from God that keeps me focused forward because we talk together and try to work out our plans and goals.

Maybe next year I will be writing about something new from a new place. Even at my age, I have a dream. I am not looking for something better because I have it good, but I look for peace in my daily life and freedom in my home. I don't want my children out of my life, I just want them in their own homes and out of my kitchen.

Father's Day

What makes a good father? Because we are each different, our answers would be just as different for what makes a good father. This morning on our Sunday Morning program the Father's Day interview was with the Gate's Family - yes, Bill Gates the Microsoft man, but it was about his father Bill Gates Sr., his two daughters and the one son. They were all perfect, perfect life, gorgeous home, and all is well. The image of the Gate's family doesn't fit my life at all, not in any sense.

My father is buried in the cemetery in our town. He was a hard working man, I remember that about him. He was not a huggy man, at least not with me. but he was with my children. He was a devoted father and was always there for me - always to the end. I don't remember him saying he loved me but I grew up knowing love was more than words. I learned through experience that saying "I love you" can come easy from some but being responsible for Love was a completely different exercise of life.

No matter the problem my dad was there for me and I tried to be there for him when he needed me but I feel as though I failed. I do know this, some men need to be the leaders always and don't want to be needy. They want to always be in control and my father was one of these. It was tough for him after my mom died. My husband, the two youngest of our four children and I picked up and moved from one state to where dad lived to help him because he had no one - no friends and no other family nearby. I was his daughter and he was the strong father figure and he had difficult adjusting his authority, adjusting his life, or accepting his failing health. I was his faithful daughter until his end. But his end wasn't as anyone would have wanted for their father or for themselves to experience. It was a painful and awful ordeal, one so much so I can't write about it.

I struggle this day remembering all the events in my life as a daughter and a human being attempting to understand why I was chosen to have to deal with them. And on this Father's Day as I read loving comments from sons and daughters to their fathers I remember my dad as he gave his all for his family and his total commitment and love to my mom. He did his best. His own life before my mother was very hard, so I understood many things about my dad and accepted much that was unspoken because of the times.

The lesson I learned from him was the depth of his love and commitment for my mom and me, and my brother too. It was a very important lesson. I wish we could have been better friends but it is what it is......that's what I always say.

A very special day

I do have remorse for now tending to my blog pages - I think about you often, but I've been so busy with Facebook. I must confess I've also neglected Twitter, shear neglect to all. Facebook is so much fun and it is the social network over the top.

I would like to say, if you haven't tried Twitter, it's worth at least an attempt. It's a very quick way of either voicing your opinion or communicating with your friends. I have twitter friends from all over the place - a variety of interests. The good thing is you can choose who you want to follow you and it's easy to decide to follow someone. Pretty cool. My Twitter is basically for political following, but I do have Martha Stewart, Lou Dobbs, Bill Hemmer, Karl Rove, and even MC Hammer! How cool is that! Anyhow, just wanted to mention.

Yes, today is a very special day - our boy comes home from the Army. Soldier Tom is no longer Soldier Tom but Civilian Tom. He decided to become a private man and signed the papers last week. He is coming home with a little more than what he left with in 2007. He is bringing home his gal Tine and their dog Peanut. We met our new "family members" last Christmas. We love them both and they fit right into our wild and crazy family.

I have an Open Door policy - whoever comes in my home helps themselves. I use to be a waiter-upon-all, but as I have aged I said "what the heck' and just decided to let everyone help themselves. If you want a cup of coffee - get it yourself. My refrigerator has always been an open door occasion - not by choice but because everyone who comes home the first place they head to after the "potty" is the refrigerator. If you are hungry and can find something to eat - have at it. It works for me and I don't have to worry about trying to please anyone. Also, I think right off it puts someone at ease - no fussing. So far it's worked, I'll stick with this plan until something better comes along.

Getting the house all spruced up for Tom's homecoming is not necessarily a big deal, but it is when you are over 65 and everything in you body yells - "slow down, you are not 35 anymore" oh my gosh, I have to begin organizing my to-do list months in advance so I have all my chores completed, but why oh why are there always more things that crop up at the end!!! yikes! It's just the think of wanting everything to look nice when they have been gone for so long. He has served his country with honor, he was a good soldier, his commanding officers said so - so the least I can do is make his homecoming wonderful. I know, I didn't make a sign, we always do signs, oh well.

This is the beginning of a new life for Tom, Tine and Peanut. The two of them will be going to college, well, Tine will attend the university, she's already signed up. Tom is an amazing person. He has a fabulous sense of humor and I love having him around. I can't say he hasn't driven me crazy because he has. When he was young he was a real worry but as he got older he learned to become more considerate. For Tom, I knew that loving him without borders would bring out the best in him - I have faith in him and knew he could do it. I wonder why that strong emotion that comes from a mother's love isn't reflected in all her children.

I have other children who falter along the way - I can see their potential, but also realize there is something within them that keeps them from succeeding although I don't know why. You see their positive abilities and how they apply themselves in those areas, but fail in ones that they need to grow in to survive. Is it my fault because I come to their aid too often, when should you use tough love, what are the rules for "always being there?" I feel as though my adult kids are blind to my ageing issues. It is becoming a real problem in our family between my husband and I and the kids. Our daughter has a mental illness and she is convince we are super people. I finally had to be firm in my response to helping her AGAIN!!! No, enough is enough!!!

Bob and I have not yet had the opportunity to enjoy our golden years because we are still helping raise grandchildren - not babysitting, but supporting...It is such a different lifestyle to have grandchildren live with you. There are times where it can't be helped - our situation today is one of those, but we do expect our son to get busy and try to make a life for himself and his daughter but it doesn't seem to be happening.

But - aside from all the family problems, we have Tom. My girlfriend said last night, it will be good to have Tom home because he brings so much to our home. He doesn't complain, he doesn't come in the door with problems, he's never grouchy, always has something funny going on and he has brought game playing back to our home - I love to play cards and board games - my husband won't but Tom will and we can get my husband in on it too - - it is so much fun!!!

I talked to Tom a little while ago. They are still on the road, hopefully, God willing nothing goes wrong today and they will be home tonight. He asked me if I was going to the store today and I said yes, Costco, he paused and slowly replied - and I'm thinking, oh no, he wants something really big--- they he said "I need some crazy glue!" I almost croaked, how simple is that!!!! So funny, I wasn't expecting that!!!

So that next time I write, and I promise to do better - Tom, Tine and our granddog Peanut will be home.

Do take good care and God Bless YOU!!!