What's love got to do with it?

Tears! Have you ever been so tore up, upset, and sad, you couldn't stop crying? It made me so ticked off when I am in public and I'm overcome with the thought of something so close to me and I burst out crying. I bite my tongue, hold my breathe and do anything else I can think of to make me stop shedding those tears.

You see, my husband has a cancer spot on his forehead. It has been diagnosed as a basal cell carcinoma. It is the most common cancer and treatable. He had his last radiation treatment today. The spot on his head from the treatment is redness about the size of a baseball with scabs from sores on the area. He did have the choice to have surgery and have the cancer area cut out, with the probably of having to have a skin graft. He decided to have the radiation treatment instead.

I believe the doctor and nurse - they seem very reliable. They say he has done fine and they will see him again in a month unless he feels the need to come in sooner. The only other side effect has been being very tired. He's retired and manages to get the tasks completed he wishes to complete, so it's no big deal for him to rest, play on his computer, or take naps. We have no pressing schedules around here.

The sadness overwhelms me when I think of being without him. We've been together almost 46 years. I joke I don't want to train another man, but in reality I don't want anyone else. When I saw him for the first time I thought he was gorgeous, then when we met and danced for the first time, it was magic. Within four and a half months we were married - and no, I wasn't pregnant. It was love, magic, genuine outrageous, marvelous love.

Today, I still enjoy watching him even though the energized walk he had as a young man has turned into a slow, sometimes wobble - yes, and to add, we both wobble these day - its those damn knees - you know, time for a total knee replacement, both of us. Old age, crap, why when we should be able to really enjoy our life.

I woke up a few years ago after he had retired and saw him in a different light, a different prospective, and I was surprised. When you are so busy raising your kids, helping your parents and grandparents, neighbors and being active in church, the days pass and sometimes you take your closest partner for granted - you don't want to, but it just happens. I realize he had a huge sense of humor. We have always laughed from the moment I met him, but I never stopped to realize how funny he was - I was shocked at myself for not realizing it. Our grandson made that remark recently. We had taken him and his girlfriend out to a German restaurant for dinner. Bob and I were being silly and we were cracking up laughing - I have a loud weird laugh, Bob's laugh is sweet but his face gets real red and tears explode from his eyes - humorous tears from laughter. Tom was so shocked, he and Tine were so surprised - they had to join in because it was so contagious. He had not seen Bob explode in tearful laughter before. Realizing the depth of his humor was only the tip of the iceberg, it is amazing how you can be married to the same person for so many years, yet still find out new things about that person.

One bond we have always had is a physical one of holding hands. He told me once it was sensual for him. There is something very tender and content in holding hands. I don't remember a time when we went anywhere that unconsciously we didn't hold hands - the contact, his guiding me, leading me, protecting me, his loving way. After all these years, I still enjoy touching him on his arm or kissing his cheek. Our kisses are still as tender and endearing as they were when we were young, maybe even more.

When you are old, life's moments have more meaning so it would be reasonable to say love is deeper and more meaningful. We are very lucky to have survived life's challenges and tragedies and are on a higher plateau than when we started as young lovers.

So, rightfully so, the mere thought of any possibility of an illness ever so slight that could take him away from me brings me to the brink of tears and there is no holding me back when the mood is right, there is no stopping the thoughts of my life without him. He is my right hand, left hand, and my man. I know, I know, life is life. But, I can't imagine life without him and I won't, so I let the tears fall as they may because its all I have right now. I am thankful for his presence and so grateful for the life he has given me. So, what's love got to do with it - everything, nothing less, the highest element of emotion all wrapped up in Love between two people.

Where has the time gone and what have I accomplished?

A few weeks back I received a newsletter type of correspondence from a person that had been the president of our senior class from the school I graduated back in the 60s. At first I thought it was a letter requesting money or to inform me of a get together, but there were emotions behind the written words. It was odd because I had not ever received a personal type note from Pat.

As I read through the message I realized that he was reaching out to all who read to share the parting of one of our classmates. The revelation of a friend's death was written as a postscript and last sentence, but the mood of the note was remorseful. Pat expressed sadness without saying any word remotely resembling his mood. He reached out to all those who were having problems and difficulties this day.

The message that has fresh in my mind from the note was one sentence that reflected on past days, meditating on what was and what wasn't accomplished, dreams that never came true and the place where we have reached. When I was young in high school, I knew I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't know what potential I had. I lacked the confidence to respond to my gifts. I did marry a wonderful man and we are still married going on 46 years. I was working at a successful position when we met and would have been upwardly mobile since at 19 I was a supervisor and instructor at the company I worked for at that time. But, love took me away, and before having children I had only one other job at a bank. It was an entry level position, but would have been a secure job. My husband had other ideas, and my mother taught me well to remain true to my husband so we were off, moving to many other places, other adventures, more children, challenges including running a farm.

Since receiving the note from Pat and feeling the depth of remorse about the loss of my friend and classmate, I have thought of what I have missed, I thought what my dreams really were, what could I have done had I taken a different path. I was not able to work at any job regardless of how good they were or how well I did the work because something always came up such as we moved, my husband needed me, or the last time I left a valuable job with great benefits because of my son. I also gave up taking college classes as was my goal to secure a college degree no matter how old I was.

The dreams at that time was not to be. One dreadful early morning a telephone call put a stop to it all and changed my life forever. My son had been injured in a non-combat accident while serving in Germany with the Army. From the year of 1989 through his passing in 2000, my life was totally dedicated to caring for him, raising the son of my daughter who was mentally unstable and hospitalized, plus keeping our home running smoothly for my husband and other two sons and other grandchildren. My husband and I worked together through it all.

Today I have missed out on financial benefits other girls I know will receive when they retire. The friends who have retired are receiving substantial income from all the years they worked. They have built a social life and are active in other aspects of life that I miss. These are my regrets of status and benefits that I could have achieved or accomplishments I would have reached.

After my son's death, my health deteriorated as though my body and soul were holding together to give him all his needs to help him survive the time on earth until God finally called Brian home to be with God. When he was gone, the hope left my physical being and I fell into despair for awhile. I know God gave me enormous strength to care for Brian and the same strength of love for our grandson who had many trials in school. I know a mother's love sees and senses beyond the surface and realizes potentials and needs that no other person can. Brian was a wonderful son with a great sense of humor, he was considerate and loved God and he played a mean game of tennis. I guess God had a tennis partner waiting for Brian. And even though it's been almost ten years in April, you never ever get over the loss of a child especially when you invest the time and hope to keep him alive - yes, giving up everything for him.

It is a Mother's ambition to give all to her children, every ounce of her soul, love and physical existence. I suppose this was my job in life and I should accept it and be satisfied. It was a gift to care for Brian and I am thankful I had that time with him. Our grandson has turned out to be a very fine human being and it my shinning light. He makes me smile and he is very considerate although forgetful.

I have realized we are given talents for many tasks in life. Is it a gold plaque or a check of a zillion dollars that give us our worth? If we have to chose between caring for a loved one to make his life better or committing to a job that may or may not make us happy in the end, which will be the most fulfilling in the end. To watch a child suffer when I could help over making an extra dollar would not be me. So, I have to admit that I have made the right choices.

These days I am rather morbid because I need total knee replacement and I've become lazy and lax but happy because my husband is right beside me and we are having a good time. We aren't accomplishing too many important things in our life right now. We do have dreams but there are other people in our life that have tapped into our space and require our time. It seems like we are back to ground zero just when we thought we would have time to be alone - can you imagine being married 46 years and never ever having a home to yourself, always someone in the house - it's hell on your sex life!!! Yes, people our age, especially since we love each other think about sex every once in awhile - but the walls are paper thin and we have a nine year old granddaughter living with us. Darn it!! Our son lives with us too and he is out of work and home all the time. Then there's the truck driving son who might drop in at any time. Oh, our grandson will be getting out of the Army and will be coming home with his girlfriend - did I mention we have a big home. We have to go to a motel for privacy. What a hoot!!!

By the way, it isn't my intentions to dwell on what could have been and not be thankful for what I have. God has given me the most wonderful husband. He takes care of me like I was a princess. He is sweet, kind, and a gentleman. Did I tell you he has the best sense of humor of anyone I know or have known - when we laugh, it ain't just a tis-tis tickle, but a huge belly laugh that's unforgettable. He is my miracle and the reason I am on this earth. He is my reason for being - he and my children, grandchildren and those to follow. I've always known there's nothing more important than family. I am grateful even through all the challenges, defeats, and successes. Whatever gifts God has given me He presented me with tasks He knew were custom made for me and no one else. I believe we all have a task to accomplish before we are called to our Heavenly Home.

Sometimes it takes a letter from a stranger to bring out the reality of life and light the candle of awareness to God's graces.

It's raining, it's pouring, I'm so glad!

We haven't had this much rain in the southwest desert of Nevada in years - we are desperately dry and need the rain badly.

Bob and I are Midwesterners when rain comes at the most inopportune times and most of the times unwelcome. Until you live in a area where the possibility of having no water in your future, rain takes on a different concept. I am puzzled when I hear the weatherman say "don't worry, the rain will stop by tomorrow" when they know full well we need it to rain for days.

We have a back porch/patio that is screened in. We don't have mosquitoes or pesty bugs like Midwest cities, but we do have flies, and that's about all. We live in a rural area where most of our neighbors have horses and they attract the flies if the owners don't the corrals cleaned up. So, that's basically why Bob screened in the porch to protect son Brian from critters. Brian was in a wheelchair. His room exits onto the back porch area - it was pleasant to leave the doors opened for Brian to get fresh air. Brian was 100% disabled. He passed away almost 10 years ago.

As I was mentioning the rain a few sentences ago, I thought about the other night when I went outside to listen to the rain falling. When you are fortunate to live in an area where rain is normal, I believe you take it for granted. We appreciate the sound, smell, and aura that comes with this gift from heaven. It is a blessing to sit out on the back porch, protected from the raindrops yet involved with the wetness since you can't escape the dampness that permeates the surrounding area. Humidity is something we forget about living in the desert but it comes naturally with the rain. And, with the humidity on a cool night, the temperature is even cooler or colder than it would be if it was a dry weather night. Our arthritis is bothering us, so we contribute that to the rain, but we wouldn't complain because we miss this blessing too much.

Yes, it is a blessing to us. We need so many days of rain to fill our needs and make everything right, so we thank God for what He gives us and let Him know we appreciate all the blessings He bestows on us everyday.

What's my name!

I've neglected blogging for so long that I've forgotten my names and passwords - duh! I've been addicted to Facebook with it's Farmtown, Farmville, and my Happy Aquarium. Really intellectual!

Did you have a nice Christmas season? The Sullivan's - be that as they are - were all together and we had a blast. Unfortunately, we are small in numbers but big on laughs and fun. Bob and I grocery shopped several times just to make sure we would have plenty of food in the house for everyone. Now I am so strapped for cash, I can't go to a grocery store for a couple of weeks. No, just kidding.

We cut back on gifts this year due to the requirement we put upon ourselves of getting the house ready to sell. We had expenses like painting the interior, putting in new landscaping, new garage doors, and next will be a new rug in the computer/grandkids room. I don't have a problem cutting back on my expenditures because I feel very fortunate for what we have to start out with and I always make sure I can pay my bills first before buying anything.

The year ended in our household with major health problems - I hope not a fore-boding for us Senior Citizens. Just when we were hoping to be free travelers, escaping down the highway of life with what's left of our hair blowing in the wind - a ha, just kidding. Husband Bob found out he has cancer on his forehead. He's had our physician look at it and treat it for some time, but we finally decided to go to a dermatologist. It's like "I should have had a V-8!" Why didn't we go sooner. They wanted to cut it out, but told Bob he could have radiation instead of a hole with possibly probably skin graft - so he's been taking radiation treatments for a couple of weeks now. It will last another several weeks. That place on his forehead is red - worrisome to me. When my Aunt had radiation, they stopped the treatments when it got red - but this doctor just gave Bob ointment which he says help. Who do you trust????

Bob is a very handsome man, but he's not vain - and he says he's not concerned about any scaring - just didn't want a hole. The cancer is not the real serious type, but is there any cancer that's not a real serious type.

I've talked about our knee problems before and they haven't gotten any better in fact, I'm worse. But, we've agreed for Bob to go first - he also needs both knees replaced and we're waiting on some approval or disapproval paperwork from the government. Our insurance will cover but we are covering our butts with extra paperwork so that it doesn't come back to bite us. Bob is a workaholic even though he's slowed down in his old age, but he needs to be busy, I don't care now, but I am still called upon to do chores.

Selling the house is on hold, I think, until after the surgeries for both of us. Soldier Tom gets out of the Army in June and he and his gal and granddog Peanut will be coming back here to live and go to college - so for a short time we will have more boarders. We don't know whether to buy a bigger house or move into a Senior Citizen's development where no one under 55 can live!! That would be running away from the needy!!!! Our son and granddaughter are with us still.

I don't know what I would do if anything happened to my husband. We are hooked at the hip! We aggravate each other in depth, but we have so much fun. He is the best kisser in the whole wide world - and I've kissed a lot of guys in my younger years - never went any further passed the kissing - was a different time when I grew up but I didn't have to, because I knew when I met Bob, he was the one and the only.

In this New Year, politics are a changing! The War is changing. Weather is a changing - glad I live here in the west except for the serious water shortage. We lived through the bitter cold on the farm in Kentucky - ice storms and all. We all pay our toil though.

Well, just dropped in to say "howdy" and hope you had a good Christmas. Hope the New Year will be good for you in all ways - good health, success, hope you are fine economically, and spiritually. May God bless you and keep you safe always.

Now what?

Today we took Tom, Tine, and our grand dog Peanut, to the airport. They left only two hours ago, but already it seems so boring and too quiet. Bob is on his computer dedicated to his dutiful assignment on Facebook - farming on Farmtown and Farmville, cleaning fishtanks on several aquariums and other topics of his interest. Yes, I do have my Farm and fishtank, but I try to allow a certain time frame for that stuff. I don't want it to be the be-end all of everything I do. As you can tell because is has been a long time since I've blogged, I've been attracted to other things, like it or not!

I started getting things ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving because I just don't work fast at my age and my knees are giving me a lot of pain. We did have a wonderful holiday season with all that kids and grandkids available being here. Tom and Tine are so much fun to have around and we loved having their dog with us. She is well behaved and has the same temperament as Tine. It was a nice celebration.

I am now starting to take down the inside decorations. I've also started throwing all the fattening snack foods we had in for the family - and Bob and I which we enjoyed beyond exclamation! It's back on our protein diet, and I must admit we did gain back what we lost. I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, and I'll be a huge chicken and postpone for a couple extra weeks just to get these pounds off before getting on the scale in his office. I hate that part of the visit!!!!

As I contemplated which decorations I would pack up first this morning, it occurred to me, what next? It's always a big deal planning for Christmas - the food, decorations, who will be here and what gifts to buy, not to mention the house cleaning all all the rest of the next stuff. I do enjoy it so much. Once the lights come down it seems so dreary although its not as dreary here in the desert southwest as it is in the mid west and east where it is so desperately cold and barren. We still have leaves on our trees and roses on the bushes. I remember the below zero temperatures very well, something one doesn't forget especially if you have the responsibility of making sure the farm animals have water in the freezing weather. This means chopping holes either in the pond or in the water tank unless you have a water tank heater that works well.

Making a New Years Resolution would go hand in hand with what's next in my life. I purchased Windows 7 to install on my main computer. I have had to use every ounce of patience I have to deal with the problems I've endured with Vista. Now I have to plan when I will do the installation so I have time and will not be interrupted because I am anticipating it will take thinking and concentration to do. I'll back up stuff first just to protect what I have. Gosh, I hope it this program works better than Vista.

I have a china cabinet that has dust growing on dust - its shameful that I haven't had the ambition to clean it. It is on the top of my list of resolutions of to-dos and I can pack up some things that aren't appropriate there, or things I want to give away. I know Tom & Tine will want some things for their place when they move back here.

Tom has decided not to re-enlist in the Army. He and Tine will come back here and go to college. She will continue on with her nursing program and he will get back into the EMT program he started before joining the Army.

It will be difficult to plan financially for the future in view of the passing of the health care bill in Washington and the other bills as well. I am concerned with what amount if any they will take from my social security check. I made the choice to be a stay at home mom most of my married life even though I have had excellent jobs first off before I met my husband, then, before Brian's accident when I was working and going to college. I was left with no pension and just a pittance of social security to show. Ah, yes, I have my husbands to fall back on, but well, it would have been nice. I hope we are coming out of the recession and the cost of real estate will level, as we are thinking of putting the house up for sale. Although, at this point we will still be looking for a large place not a small one as I had hoped. It must be our destiny! I believe there is a path set up for us the minute we are born and how we follow the path determines our frame of mind and lifestyle and probably happiness. It is better not to be angry or upset when things are going right, sometimes there's not much you can do about it.

So, that's where it is today. I must get back to blogging and catching up with the other bloggers. It is fun and interesting, and I have missed being apart of this world.

God bless you all and take good care. Sending you best wishes for a very Happy New Year.