Where has the time gone and what have I accomplished?

A few weeks back I received a newsletter type of correspondence from a person that had been the president of our senior class from the school I graduated back in the 60s. At first I thought it was a letter requesting money or to inform me of a get together, but there were emotions behind the written words. It was odd because I had not ever received a personal type note from Pat.

As I read through the message I realized that he was reaching out to all who read to share the parting of one of our classmates. The revelation of a friend's death was written as a postscript and last sentence, but the mood of the note was remorseful. Pat expressed sadness without saying any word remotely resembling his mood. He reached out to all those who were having problems and difficulties this day.

The message that has fresh in my mind from the note was one sentence that reflected on past days, meditating on what was and what wasn't accomplished, dreams that never came true and the place where we have reached. When I was young in high school, I knew I wanted to get married and have children, but I didn't know what potential I had. I lacked the confidence to respond to my gifts. I did marry a wonderful man and we are still married going on 46 years. I was working at a successful position when we met and would have been upwardly mobile since at 19 I was a supervisor and instructor at the company I worked for at that time. But, love took me away, and before having children I had only one other job at a bank. It was an entry level position, but would have been a secure job. My husband had other ideas, and my mother taught me well to remain true to my husband so we were off, moving to many other places, other adventures, more children, challenges including running a farm.

Since receiving the note from Pat and feeling the depth of remorse about the loss of my friend and classmate, I have thought of what I have missed, I thought what my dreams really were, what could I have done had I taken a different path. I was not able to work at any job regardless of how good they were or how well I did the work because something always came up such as we moved, my husband needed me, or the last time I left a valuable job with great benefits because of my son. I also gave up taking college classes as was my goal to secure a college degree no matter how old I was.

The dreams at that time was not to be. One dreadful early morning a telephone call put a stop to it all and changed my life forever. My son had been injured in a non-combat accident while serving in Germany with the Army. From the year of 1989 through his passing in 2000, my life was totally dedicated to caring for him, raising the son of my daughter who was mentally unstable and hospitalized, plus keeping our home running smoothly for my husband and other two sons and other grandchildren. My husband and I worked together through it all.

Today I have missed out on financial benefits other girls I know will receive when they retire. The friends who have retired are receiving substantial income from all the years they worked. They have built a social life and are active in other aspects of life that I miss. These are my regrets of status and benefits that I could have achieved or accomplishments I would have reached.

After my son's death, my health deteriorated as though my body and soul were holding together to give him all his needs to help him survive the time on earth until God finally called Brian home to be with God. When he was gone, the hope left my physical being and I fell into despair for awhile. I know God gave me enormous strength to care for Brian and the same strength of love for our grandson who had many trials in school. I know a mother's love sees and senses beyond the surface and realizes potentials and needs that no other person can. Brian was a wonderful son with a great sense of humor, he was considerate and loved God and he played a mean game of tennis. I guess God had a tennis partner waiting for Brian. And even though it's been almost ten years in April, you never ever get over the loss of a child especially when you invest the time and hope to keep him alive - yes, giving up everything for him.

It is a Mother's ambition to give all to her children, every ounce of her soul, love and physical existence. I suppose this was my job in life and I should accept it and be satisfied. It was a gift to care for Brian and I am thankful I had that time with him. Our grandson has turned out to be a very fine human being and it my shinning light. He makes me smile and he is very considerate although forgetful.

I have realized we are given talents for many tasks in life. Is it a gold plaque or a check of a zillion dollars that give us our worth? If we have to chose between caring for a loved one to make his life better or committing to a job that may or may not make us happy in the end, which will be the most fulfilling in the end. To watch a child suffer when I could help over making an extra dollar would not be me. So, I have to admit that I have made the right choices.

These days I am rather morbid because I need total knee replacement and I've become lazy and lax but happy because my husband is right beside me and we are having a good time. We aren't accomplishing too many important things in our life right now. We do have dreams but there are other people in our life that have tapped into our space and require our time. It seems like we are back to ground zero just when we thought we would have time to be alone - can you imagine being married 46 years and never ever having a home to yourself, always someone in the house - it's hell on your sex life!!! Yes, people our age, especially since we love each other think about sex every once in awhile - but the walls are paper thin and we have a nine year old granddaughter living with us. Darn it!! Our son lives with us too and he is out of work and home all the time. Then there's the truck driving son who might drop in at any time. Oh, our grandson will be getting out of the Army and will be coming home with his girlfriend - did I mention we have a big home. We have to go to a motel for privacy. What a hoot!!!

By the way, it isn't my intentions to dwell on what could have been and not be thankful for what I have. God has given me the most wonderful husband. He takes care of me like I was a princess. He is sweet, kind, and a gentleman. Did I tell you he has the best sense of humor of anyone I know or have known - when we laugh, it ain't just a tis-tis tickle, but a huge belly laugh that's unforgettable. He is my miracle and the reason I am on this earth. He is my reason for being - he and my children, grandchildren and those to follow. I've always known there's nothing more important than family. I am grateful even through all the challenges, defeats, and successes. Whatever gifts God has given me He presented me with tasks He knew were custom made for me and no one else. I believe we all have a task to accomplish before we are called to our Heavenly Home.

Sometimes it takes a letter from a stranger to bring out the reality of life and light the candle of awareness to God's graces.