Just another Saturday

Good morning! It is a beautiful morning. Cool enough to leave the sliding glass door open. Fall is upon us I thought I heard the weatherman say, but our desert temperatures are going back up into the 100s. The pool water is cold but this week will be the last hurrah, it's a must to get in all the swimming before the chilly winds come around and it won't be a pleasant feeling when I get out of the pool. I am so mousy and picky since I've gotten older, don't know what happened to my stamina. I blame it all on the day Brian die. I need to give it up and turn it around, but maybe it's my excuse to hold on to it.

Do you feel like you are in a rut and it is the way your life is suppose to be? I know that may seem negative sounding, but the things that happen to us seem to be in the same format. I know there is an easy out by saying no but that wouldn't be true to form. It would be difficult. I've never done it - well, I'm trying. It's different, it's not my style, but its becoming a necessity.

I have a question? Have you heard from God today? If so, what was the outcome? Aside from all the blessings in your life that we take for granted, don't you have prayers for help and assistance for some problem you need solved and don't you feel like you've prayed forever and there's been no signs that you can recognize? I've been praying for a specific solution, sign, change, or whatever to the same situation in my life for years, so has my husband. I ask him every once in a while if he's gotten an answer yet, and his reply is the same, no answer. Outside of the regular Catholic prayers that are so routine in my day, I'll let out a "Hey God, I'm still down here, how about............(He knows what, I'm sure of it!!) My eyes are elevated to the Heavens as though I am seeing straight through the clouds to the pearly gates. Nothing. Just nothing..........so if there is no answer, sign, or anything, is it just as it is!!! A blank sheet! What do I do - keep on keeping on in an as is journey!

It's getting difficult, there must be change. I don't know what to do. I hope there is an answer soon.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I hope too that God blesses you with all your needs.

Disgusting turn of life events

It's all Facebook's fault...for the past year I have spend more time sitting on my backside than I have in all the time of my whole life on earth.

This morning the reality of that sit down reflected in the ugly turn of the dial on my bathroom weight scale. I was in the state of shock at the revelation of the numbers that appeared. I've been ignoring that piece of equipment for many months. Being in a state of depression and hating the state of events in my life, the last thing I've wanted to care about was the little numbers on the face of that awful piece of equipment. Today was to be my face to face with reality since my health have gone down hill so drastically - I knew part of it was the weight, but I didn't expect what I saw.

And yes, Facebook is one of the culprets to be blamed. I blame my husband too. I blame my kids, I blame the weather, and I blame this one and that one.......but mostly I blame myself.

I am blessed with a good life - a wonderful husband of 46 years, but the lifestyle stinks. We have plans to change but things aren't lining up. We try to make the best of it, but it isn't good enough for me. Seeing the positive admidst all the negatives isn't always easy. What I see as a paint in the patootee many not be to you --- but by this time in my life I didn't expect to be tied down still raising kids, especially when they are not mine. I know, it may seem life it would be easy enough to get out of but not when children are involved - that's my core belief. You can't go against your core believe - at least not as a mother.

So here I am faced with the reality of needing to "start all over" again. I am signed up on Weight Watcher's online" - it's not real expensive, but its enough, but better than going to the meetings which I've done. The meetings are ok, in fact both Bob and I were going and we enjoyed it. But, after the trip to Maine and lobster rolls - only putting back a couple of pounds, surprise! - the meeting has accummulated about 20 more people and it wasn't the same. The group leader was wonderful and we really liked her, but the tone of the environment wasn't the same, so we quit. I have found the online site is helpful - as long as I log everything I eat everyday - it really does work - for me.

Bob has also gained and he also weighs more weight that he ever has. He has to have knee surgery as do I - - but the physicians have told both of us to loss weight first......We don't seem to pay attention to those guys - - - but what has hit us is the fact we can't breath and are having huge difficulty getting around without struggling...thus making our tasks of playing on Facebook a whole lot more fun.

We've started this week to be serious about what we put in our mouth. It's a lifelong program for both of us. It is easy for Bob to lose weight, he is more active than I am. I have a slower metabolism - always have been that way all my life even when I was extremely active.

Hope you and your family are well and life is good for you. May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You!

My oh my how time flies when you're having a blast!

I was connected to "Pioneer Woman" website entering a contest and I had forgotten my blog name so when I connected here I saw I hadn't posted since August - I was ashamed!!!

So many things have happened, well, events have happened since I last wrote. I had a birthday and turned 66 - I think, wait a minute, let me count!!! If you think that's funny, it is because I do forget because I really don't want to think I've gotten this far YET!!!! Believe me I haven't gotten this far without a battle either. It was so much fun up until a point then it seemed like all heck broke loose.

A friend made the point the other day he was leaving the 40s and adding the 5 on - and he was thoughtfully reticent about the up and coming event. My response was the 50s are still pretty good, but it was in the 60s when I started going down hill big time. This guy is a hiker though - he has a huge advantage over my lifestyle - he will do fine. His mom is several years older than me and she hikes up the Alps, and looks great. I'll just say, if you have the advantage and opportunity to do that type of exercise - do it!!! Unfortunately, my life took a different turn and I never had that chance.

My responsibility can in the form of caring for my son. We all have choices and bends to take in our life. Some have a straight way to go, others have many bends....but you know I think in the end, we all have our share of trials one way or the other.

We also celebrated our 46 wedding anniversary. It was uneventful, decided by both to be so. We are grateful to be together that long. As Bob will say - I am his best friend and I say to him - He is my best friend. We have fun together, we cry together, and we pray together. So, that pretty much says it all. Through the grace and blessings of God we have made it this far. It was meant to be even though it was "love at first sight!"

Next we had another birthday - Bob's, he made the last number before 70. Where has the time gone??? I can't fathom where the time has gone so quickly!!! We celebrated his birthday for the whole weekend because one or the other of the kids couldn't be here - so Tom and Tine could come on Friday, the others were here on Sunday. We had lots of cake this weekend - - not too good for our Weight Watcher diet but we counted.

Our health is about as good as it gets for our age - - we have routine knee problems still waiting on surgery for both of us. Other problems some serious some not so bad but we have lots to be thankful for - God has been good but we still have a special prayer for our future hanging out there and we haven't heard from HIM yet!!!! I know HE's heard it because we've seen other prayers of ours answered!!! The Mysteries of the Lord are many.

We have one more birthday this month - - our very special grandson Tom - we raise him. He is going to college now, studying to be a Paramedic. He has completed his three years in the Army and is home for now. We are so proud of him.

Economy stinks - our son and granddaughter still live with us. But the others are doing fine.

It's even stranger how fast this year has gone - like in fast motion. We went swimming today and the water has gone from being like warm bath water to ice cube cold. In this dry desert air once the temps get back down in the 90s or even lo 100 the water starts cooling off. We are enjoying the pool for the last few days the heat remains in the 90s - we are brave.

Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas we will on us before we can turn around twice and blink. I hope things turn out better for our country soon. It's very stressful to see the things going on around us.

Well, folks I hope you are well and things for you have been good. May God bless you abundantly with all the blessings and miracles you need each day.

Green Pool

There are problems everywhere. Retired on a limited budget. Unemployment high which includes a son who is unemployed with no car and living at home with a daughter. Value of homes have dropped so dramatically - great for home buyers but lousy for those hoping to sell. Political scene very depressing. Health care cost going up as we age and as life would have it, we are progressing into that age bracket of more health problems.

Then there's the green pool. One day the water in the pool is sparkling and enjoyable for relaxing and forgetting all your troubles. But, unbeknownst the green goblin is working overtime as you sleep and in the morning the pool is a slimy green color. How did that happen? Who knows!!!!

The daytime temperature is still maintaining highs of over 110 and a swim would be refreshing, but who wants to swim in green goop. It all seems so minor and it is in the face of all the other daily problems we have. It is a distraction too putting into prospective the important issues and things we could do without.

Although, on the other hand, if this was your house and you had a For Sale sign on your front lawn, would you really want to have a Green Pool??? No, I don't think so. It isn't that issue right now, but it is necessary to clean it up or it will just get worse. Our kids want a pool when they buy a house, so as hubby makes several trips to the pool store, I let the adult kiddies know how much the chemicals cost. Hubby is retired, so he has all the time in the world to spend poolside cleaning the filters and scraping down the sides of the pool for hours in 110' heat. Oh yeah! such fun.....The comment from the adult kid who wants a pool is of unbelievable surprise. After all he is fresh out of the Army and just moved into his first apartment, paying bills and enjoying real Capitalism. It all looks so easy when you're young.

My hubby is a gem. He knows I love to swim, he does too - a fine exercise for both of us. Old age and finances has trimmed the yearn for this luxury, maybe a lap pool enclosed would be nice, but next time, they'll be no pool in our back yard. They are common here in the west so its not a big deal but even so, you know, it's difficult to find a home without a pool.

Hope you are having a great day without pests to deal with like the green algae or bed bugs as seems to have taken over New York! Oh my God, what's that crawling up my leg???? Help!

Letter to a Friend

Good morning Friend,

How are you today? What is happening in your life? I hope you and your family are well. Have you been traveling? Remember all the dreams we had, the places we wanted to visit and things we wanted to accomplish? Where has the time gone? If we had made a checklist, I wonder how many of those on the list would be crossed off.

It's a beautiful day here in Southern Nevada. I have my earphones on listening to my favorite music on my playlist webpage. I was thinking earlier I miss the private quiet time I had back in my office when no one was around. My favorite past time was to turn the music loud and do whatever it was that needed to be done whether it was writing out the bills, writing letters, cleaning up the bookshelves or filing, but it was so relaxing. I was elevated to a higher elevation of my own environment rarely interrupted. It was very refreshing and pleasant.

But, like all things in life when there are children and grandchildren even friends and other family members that have requirements we sometimes have to give up, sacrifice if you will, the pleasures of our life to adjust for other's needs.

I know you have experienced the problem of getting behind in your chores for one reason or another. The family was all home starting sometime the last of May through a week or so ago. I've lost track of time. Being retired there are no beginnings or endings unless someone sets a schedule. Have you noticed how people rush everywhere they are going? Well, friend, being retired I have the pleasure and excitement of watching them in the hustle and bustle going their way. It is amusing too, sometimes in my slow gait I arrive at the same place within a few seconds because I see the obstacles and can avoid them without any anxiety.

When we go somewhere with the kids - kids as defined our own adult children, their companions, grandchildren and their companions - we request they "go ahead" of the pack. Bob and I meander behind at a slow deliberate pace. Sometimes the heat takes it toil on our breathing so we have to pause, but what's the hurry.

It is marvelous to watch a hummingbird for long minutes without any interruptions. Watching them pose on a branch watching eagerly for another friend to visit their feeding table, only to chase their friend off, often playing in mid-air. Taking time to watch nature and be aware of the value of the joy they bring to one's life is a gift from God.

God has given us so many treasures sometimes we miss them in our hurried existence. I have a friend who has watched two doves visit her, landing on her brick wall where she has provided feed. She waits for their return and when there was a length of time they failed to feed, she worried as though they were a part of her family. It is these occasions of life that we miss when we are young and busy with everyday life and making a living.

There is a time and a place - I am thankful to be at this time and this place. I have much to be thankful for, there are some things I could do without, but they are there for a reason. Sometimes we wonder what God is thinking, what does He really want from us........I think this often. "Hello God! Jean calling. Help God!!! what's happening? I really need to hear from You? This time You've given me a doozie to deal with. What's up with that?" I've said these words more often than I'd like to recall. Sometimes there's no answer, but boy oh boy, when He does answer - it is so awesome. When He answers and it's a flat out cold splash of water in the face, I am so shocked but then why wasn't I ready for it!!!!

It's a good day. Thank you my Lord for all my blessings. Dear Friend, I hope your day is fill with so many gifts and blessings today you too are shocked. Please take good care. Love you!

CHRIS BOTTI IN BOSTON | Shape of My Heart Sting & J. Groban

Choice

I briefly scanned an article that came to my email box this morning. The article made the statement "life is a matter of prospective" and I agree. The article's first paragraph stated that sometimes we say or do things we regret but can never take back. I am always say stupid things and I wonder why I can't get my mouth and brain to work together. Why can't I see far enough into the future to realize what I am going to say will both sound stupid and may cause either pain or hysteria. I have been on a roll with that tragedy more recently and I don't know why. After I realized what I've said and mull it over in my mind for days, I make resolutions to be mindful of what I saw - but it doesn't work. I keep on either giving out secrets that I've kept private for years or add situations which don't apply today. Whether or not these misstatements have affected the dear ones I'm talking to was not evident. Then I think, ok, you need to talk to them about it - oh no!!! by bringing it up may emphasize the topic ---- think!!! maybe they weren't paying any attention anyhow --- oh good, can I get out of it that easy??? I think not.

I think I will just wait until the subject matter comes up again then I will try to explain it away! Oh dear me, my mouth really does get me in trouble. I am a senior citizen who has lost good social skills and I am blaming my rampant mouth problems on that!!!

I do have a choice and if I were still a kid, I could hear my mom saying "you need more self-control!" She would be right. I must revert my lack of foresight of the outcome of what I say to attempting to not speak of certain matters without realizing the outcome of my words.

I hope you have a lovely day and may God bless you with abundant graces. Take good care.

Birth of The Blues

Library

Waiting for a few minutes to get ready to go visit our new library in our neighborhood. I am really excited. The new one has better parking and easier access on the outside - even has a drive-through window. I can't imagine!

I have fond memories of walking or riding my bike to my neighborhood library where I grew up. It was a good thing. It wasn't very large and the people were very friendly and helpful. It was a great thing to have growing up. I enjoyed reading the "Hardy Boys" and books like that. My mom was a reader too so I guess she made that impression.

We are taking granddaughter Alex with us. I think it is a good thing to have as a routine visit. She loves to read and is in the reading club at her school. This is something to share with her. She lives with us and I have to admit unfortunately, it is a different life experience when you either raise your grandchild as we did with Tom or they live with you with one of their parent as in the case of son Kevin. They are with you everyday and there are no surprises - and as you get old, surprises are wonderful. We have several other grandchildren around the United States and the anticipations of the time when we might see them is a thrilling emotion.

I buy books routinely but need to get in the habit of borrowing and returning to the library because my budget these days is struggling and straining at the seams. There is a new book out by John Grisham I am going to look for today. He is a good read and I can get through it in a couple of days especially since tomorrow is Sunday and no plans except to visit Brian up at the cemetery. Reading on Sunday is both relaxing and refreshing to the mind - of course, it would depend on what kind of book you're reading.

A lot has happened in this home since I last wrote. We had two months of the house burgeoning at the seams. People in and out - my grocery bill has been out of sight hence the budget reflex!!! Today it is quiet, except for Alex's singing to the music on the radio. I don't mind. Tom use to whistle all the time and Alex sings. Music for the soul.

Hope you are well and life is good in your life and home. May God bless and keep you safe.

I Am America

Unexpectedly quiet

For all the ranting and raving I've committed myself to in other posts about peace and quiet, I am admitting here and now experiencing this quiet is a very weird to silence this morning. For the past six weeks the activity in our home has been like a carnival atmosphere.

This morning our oldest son left out on his motorcycle for a new job. He has been home for all of that six weeks, maybe more. He had come home to leave from here to go to his daughter's graduation in another state, but when he returned, he was notified he no longer had a job. He was very fortunate he was able to secure another job offer and he left early this morning to begin another new adventure.

Each one of us has a different aura that we can connect with whether it's a quiet serene or noisy "hey you, I've arrive, and I'll be here awhile" type. This son was that type - the noisy one. He enjoys conversing, teasing and is a worry wart like his mom's family. So, we know when he is around. He is very independent and won't expect us to worry - he doesn't want that burden. He knows we have enough troubles on our mind at our age.

The two other auras who have been present are traveling. They are medium noise and don't require a lot of attention because they haven't lived at home in years. They disappear quietly and return the same - we have to inquire whether they are here or gone because they are not in the habit of answering to anyone. They are pleasant auras and nice to have around so now they are gone I miss them, but they have left something behind for us to watch - their dog. She can be very high maintenance, but is a wonderful pet. She is starting to show signs that she really misses them. The other day Bob had to do something in Tom's car and he got his keys to go outside. there must be something about the "sound" of the clinking of the keys that woke Peanut up, she reacted with an awareness that she does when they come in the door. Tom and Tine are very active and are active with Peanut ---we are more sublime although the others have tried to keep Peanut busy like taking her for walks and playing with her. But, I think dogs know the difference. She does sleep on their bed for familiarity. I know she will be so happy when they come home.

I love having the TV off. We do have our favorite shows but they aren't on all the time all day. I love quiet and solitude too. I treasure the moments when I have this luxury. There are three other auras in our home I haven't mentioned, I think I'll save for another post.

It is a good day. The past six weeks have been wonderful having the family around, in and out, friends filling the house, food overflowing on the tables and counter tops, laughing, yelling, sports, games, all the things of excitement in the moments-----and it all wears me out in a very positive way. I have slept very soundly.

God bless and take good care. I am so thankful for all my blessing.

The Harmonica Man

The Harmonica Man

An amazing and enjoyable story.

Walking in My shoes

Have you ever had a situation where you were involved as a by stander in a conversation and you opened your mouth and inserted your big foot by commenting on something that didn't concern you? I have a huge habit of doing that. I also learn my lessons the hard way, and some day and sometimes I don't learn anything at all. And, you know once you've said it, even after realizing you should have not said anything it's too late to apologize because you could never right it, regardless. I think to myself "when will I learn!" But I still apologize because I know I was wrong and I am truly sorry for the intrusion. There is an uncomfortable feeling for a while, but nothing more is said, and its is okay. I won't do that again.

But, then, another situation not quite the exact same, very different situation. Earlier I was expressing to a friend of my limitations and my dependence on my husband for assistance in some situation, sometimes more than I prefer. I got the same type of "foot in mouth" from the friend as I dished out, but, she doesn't know it. I had sense enough to realize what I said to another person was wrong, it was my gut that told me - but the issue with my friend now has taken a different turn. There's no body language to read, or voice to hear maybe agitation, it was the written word that affect me. I was going to write and express and try to explain that her judgement was wrong, but I knew unless you get it, you wouldn't understand - and if she had gotten it, she wouldn't have voiced her opinion in the manner she did. Repeating would be repetitious which can lose a lot in the translation. No point!

All this brings me to a thought I had earlier today, a very important aspiration of walking in someone shoes. When we look at our friends, listen to their problems, sorrows, happiness or just a conversation, are we judging as they speak? Do we listen with our hearts or our brains and thinking how we would handle that or pass judgement, or maybe not listen at all.

Through Facebook, I have "found" many friends I went to grade school with and many I knew in other times of my life. I envy some because on the surface it looks like they have a wonderful life, but there are others who have had struggles and are honest about those struggles but really made the best of it and deal with the problems life throws at them. There are still others who do struggle every day and manage, but there are some who from my eyes look as though they've had a great life with some problems, but they look so contented and what they write about is so wonderful and their philosophies are so positive almost to the point of being pushy and sickening. Which makes me wonder if they are thinking of only themselves as being holier than everyone around them.

Ideally, if I could I would like to change my method of reacting right now. I would like to be more conscientious of each person's individuality and set of problems so I could be sensitive and not say stupid things or give advice when I shouldn't - or maybe just listen instead of saying anything. To me, that is an ideal friend that everyone should have - no criticisms, no judgement, only pure honest interest and compassion. It is a lot to ask after all, we just want to help even if our opinion isn't required or requested. We all need just one of those special friends, we're very fortunate if we ready have one.

No one could imagine the depth of my pain from my experiences, but a good friend wouldn't expect another friend to experience anything so horrific. I wouldn't want anyone to experience my pain. I wouldn't want anyone to walk in my shoes. However, I would like an extension of a sensitivity and compassion, but it isn't that simple - no one reacts the way we expect or we think they should because they are not us. They couldn't even begin to walk in your shoes or my shoes because we each have our own pair of shoes that fit only our life.

We are given a special life path to follow, if we have friends who walk beside you down the path, to be there when you fall, or pray for you when you are hurting, cry when you cry, then you've got a beautiful matching pair - but there are those who cannot see or feel because their life will never parallel yours so they will never know your pain, but yet they will express opinions that may not be helpful, in fact painful because they don't understand. How do you respond, with unkind words, with attempted explanations, going back over the expressions of your situation - actually none of the above - if the person understood, nothing would have been said, so any more words might make it worse.

In both my situations - one was created by me toward a friend. The other was applied to me from a friend. In the first situation I didn't walk in my friend's shoes but I should have, I could have, when I realized on my own, I did apologize. In the second situation my friend didn't walk in my shoes but she couldn't have because her path has taken her down a different avenue that didn't run parallel with my path. I learned a lesson this week. I am very thankful and I hope that I can do better for my friends regardless of whose path I am walking beside.

I Fought For You By The Sound Tank

Is there a time for quiet?

Our home has been jumping like a Jazz Concert in the Park since Tom has come home from the Army. As I've probably mentioned he brought his gal Tine home with him and their dog - Peanut. To be honest, Peanut does not look like a Peanut, more like a Sara or Patty or Monique, but Tine loves the Peanut with Jeff Dunham.

Peanut is a lovable dog but her attention doesn't come cheap - there are bribed involved to get close to her. I have followed all the necessary routes to win her over and now we are best pals. She's a sweet dog like no other I've had around. She is a mommy's girl - and that is a new one for me. I have missed having pets ever since my dog Angel, yellow lab, died a couple years ago. Bob said no more. We've always had pets since I met Bob and he brought home a black kitten he found in the parking lot where he worked. It's nice to have Peanut around, she is sweet.

I am at the place in the road where the pavement moves in several different directions and I have to make a choice of which way to go. It is absolutely necessary I chose the right one because my life is moving way too fast for mistakes.

Tom and Tine are starting their life together. They have their apartment, set up to go to college and buying furniture. Their energy and strengths reminds me so much of myself - I could do anything and I had so much physical strength too. I felt a tinge of guilt the other day as I watch Tine help Tom move a huge box downstairs remembering how easy and common it was for me to help Bob do the very same thing years ago. Today I struggle to get down the stairs and heaven forbid, I couldn't carry a thing. It is a sad remembrance although I shouldn't face it like that.

We have a big home and the kids - all of them and their friends, the grandchildren and whoever come in and make themselves comfortable. It's wonderful to have that environment, but I do yearn for privacy and my own space. The decision I must make is about a house and the size of the house to be the new home for my husband and I. We do have a son and granddaughter living with us, but there are several problems with that arrangement that is causing problems and unless our son can change those problems I don't want him to live with us. I worry about our granddaughter, but there are extreme options - something he wouldn't like, but just how long is a parent suppose to support their adult children and grandchildren?

This is the problem. I really yearn to be alone with my husband. We have so much fun together and I don't like having to sneak around to be passionate - it seems as though we've always had someone living with us or we lived with someone for a short time - I want my own place.

I have prayed but haven't received an answer. I know God has a lot on his plate today with all the stuff going on in the world so maybe I'm expecting too much. But it says, asks and you shall receive. I'm waiting. I hope someday I can write the news that we have been given our freedom to live our lives alone. My husband will be 69 and I will be 66, I think it's time for that second Honeymoon, don't you?

Happiness is.....

Yesterday was Father's Day. In our home it was a very different type of day from any other Father's Day we've celebrated in the past. Bob did receive a special surprise from Grandson Tom who recently was Honorably Discharged from the Army and has come home. This is Tom's home, we raised him and I have missed him so much. Grandson Tom and his gal Tine took us out to dinner to celebrate Bob's Father's day a few days earlier. They were going out of town on Father's Day, they had made plans with friends without realizing it was Bob's special day. Bob is not sticky about the "day" but he really appreciated know thoughtful Tom and Tine were. The restaurant they took us too was very different from any we had ever been and we enjoyed ourselves so much. Tom and Tine also gave Bob a very special gift which he has enjoyed. The biggest gift was the presence of Tom and Tine back home.

As for the other kids, there were no treats or cards, no telephone calls, no greetings except from one son who verbally wished Bob Happy Father's day. I wondered why and how it's come to this.
Bob and I sat outside on the patio talking early yesterday morning about our life now. We've been married almost 46 years and we are both well into our 60s and have been retired for a few years now yet we are still supporting our kids and helping with a granddaughter, we have also raised our grandson Tom who has grown into a wonderful man, but raising another granddaughter is not something I am not up to today especially due to some health problems. Ours is not the only story about adult children moving back home and grandparents raising grandchildren, I hear it all the time now. But, you know what, it isn't fair. I gave up everything I could have been to stay home and raise my kids who were no surprises, these are children I wanted with all my heart. Today as my life is this is not the future I had planned to be living. Although I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful man whom I not only love with all my heart but I like and we are best friends.

When I begin dwelling on these things, I know that everyone has their burdens whether it's an illness or some other tragedy and I know no one escapes this life without some issue to cause distress or unhappiness. I never thought I would ever admit either that today I was very unhappy. I am blessed in so many ways and I try to look beyond the negative but more and more as I enter into another year of my life I am becoming more depressed. I do have health problems, nothing like cancer, but the usual old age things that seem to get worse. It has been my hope to enjoy life and some freedom before it is too late. My husband expressed this same hope yesterday. But, the question is, how do you escape your adult children? Run away?

It is not an issue at this time - running away, we are not in the position to do so either responsibly or financially, but I am hoping within the next year we can. My big plan is to sell our big home, downsize to a small place, buy a small motor home then leave town for parts unknown for months on end. And, that's where the happiness comes in.......we talked about where would we go, where is my favorite place and I always say it's Maine. We went there a couple of years ago in the fall right after Bob retired and we also went there when Brian was alive and we had the motor home and Tom was with us too. The beaches are beautiful and the sand is firm for walking. I didn't want to leave. Both visits were so memorable and wonderful, I can't wait to return.

We also love Montana especially in the northern section near Canada. We went to Banff National Park in Canada, about 8 years ago and took Tom. We went through Glacier National Park and Lake Louise - oh my, the scenery is so breath-taking. Those places are happiness to me, peaceful and beautiful. Then there's Ohio where my family and friends live. Ohio also provides a bountiful of places to visit and enjoy. We saw Charleston, SC, on one of our trips to visit Tom at Ft. Bragg, NC, when we were taking his car out to him. Charleston was marvelous and we have a granddaughter living just a few miles from there. We haven't been to Florida either. Oh, I can't forget to mention Monticello in Virginia. I had forever and ever wanted to go there and we went during our retirement trip. It is so beautiful and awe inspiring. I am glad we went there but there are so many more states we haven't seen.

And so I ask, is happiness all a frame of mind? Is it the life we create around us? Or is it a place or the people? I struggle to make each day a good day and not be too grumpy about my problems with my adult children - but they are burdens and I can't seem escape their lives even mentally. Somedays I do want to run away and I would not feel guilty if I could. I am not impulsive and must have everything done right before I run.

But, you know what scares me, this is weird, and yes, we do pray, I pray for help, guidance, assistance, and all that - for both me and the kids, but I know too, sometimes you get what you pray for so you must be careful what and how you ask, at least that's my experience and my impression. I'll tell you why - - I prayed for a close family this was due in part to the enormous problems I had with my husband's mother. Well, I got a close family alright, they moved in! So, do we need to put exclusions on our prayers for help to God, like "either or" or "this way but not that" or not ask at all. Does it matter anyhow? Will we get what's coming to us whether we pray or not? The trials seem to go on and on. I can't find a way out even though I don't want to become overwhelmingly negative. Sometimes I'm not really sure about praying either.

I do feel so fortunate God brought Bob and I together. He is the sunshine of my day and I am thankful for his presence in my life and do not take him for granted. He is the Gift from God that keeps me focused forward because we talk together and try to work out our plans and goals.

Maybe next year I will be writing about something new from a new place. Even at my age, I have a dream. I am not looking for something better because I have it good, but I look for peace in my daily life and freedom in my home. I don't want my children out of my life, I just want them in their own homes and out of my kitchen.

Father's Day

What makes a good father? Because we are each different, our answers would be just as different for what makes a good father. This morning on our Sunday Morning program the Father's Day interview was with the Gate's Family - yes, Bill Gates the Microsoft man, but it was about his father Bill Gates Sr., his two daughters and the one son. They were all perfect, perfect life, gorgeous home, and all is well. The image of the Gate's family doesn't fit my life at all, not in any sense.

My father is buried in the cemetery in our town. He was a hard working man, I remember that about him. He was not a huggy man, at least not with me. but he was with my children. He was a devoted father and was always there for me - always to the end. I don't remember him saying he loved me but I grew up knowing love was more than words. I learned through experience that saying "I love you" can come easy from some but being responsible for Love was a completely different exercise of life.

No matter the problem my dad was there for me and I tried to be there for him when he needed me but I feel as though I failed. I do know this, some men need to be the leaders always and don't want to be needy. They want to always be in control and my father was one of these. It was tough for him after my mom died. My husband, the two youngest of our four children and I picked up and moved from one state to where dad lived to help him because he had no one - no friends and no other family nearby. I was his daughter and he was the strong father figure and he had difficult adjusting his authority, adjusting his life, or accepting his failing health. I was his faithful daughter until his end. But his end wasn't as anyone would have wanted for their father or for themselves to experience. It was a painful and awful ordeal, one so much so I can't write about it.

I struggle this day remembering all the events in my life as a daughter and a human being attempting to understand why I was chosen to have to deal with them. And on this Father's Day as I read loving comments from sons and daughters to their fathers I remember my dad as he gave his all for his family and his total commitment and love to my mom. He did his best. His own life before my mother was very hard, so I understood many things about my dad and accepted much that was unspoken because of the times.

The lesson I learned from him was the depth of his love and commitment for my mom and me, and my brother too. It was a very important lesson. I wish we could have been better friends but it is what it is......that's what I always say.

A very special day

I do have remorse for now tending to my blog pages - I think about you often, but I've been so busy with Facebook. I must confess I've also neglected Twitter, shear neglect to all. Facebook is so much fun and it is the social network over the top.

I would like to say, if you haven't tried Twitter, it's worth at least an attempt. It's a very quick way of either voicing your opinion or communicating with your friends. I have twitter friends from all over the place - a variety of interests. The good thing is you can choose who you want to follow you and it's easy to decide to follow someone. Pretty cool. My Twitter is basically for political following, but I do have Martha Stewart, Lou Dobbs, Bill Hemmer, Karl Rove, and even MC Hammer! How cool is that! Anyhow, just wanted to mention.

Yes, today is a very special day - our boy comes home from the Army. Soldier Tom is no longer Soldier Tom but Civilian Tom. He decided to become a private man and signed the papers last week. He is coming home with a little more than what he left with in 2007. He is bringing home his gal Tine and their dog Peanut. We met our new "family members" last Christmas. We love them both and they fit right into our wild and crazy family.

I have an Open Door policy - whoever comes in my home helps themselves. I use to be a waiter-upon-all, but as I have aged I said "what the heck' and just decided to let everyone help themselves. If you want a cup of coffee - get it yourself. My refrigerator has always been an open door occasion - not by choice but because everyone who comes home the first place they head to after the "potty" is the refrigerator. If you are hungry and can find something to eat - have at it. It works for me and I don't have to worry about trying to please anyone. Also, I think right off it puts someone at ease - no fussing. So far it's worked, I'll stick with this plan until something better comes along.

Getting the house all spruced up for Tom's homecoming is not necessarily a big deal, but it is when you are over 65 and everything in you body yells - "slow down, you are not 35 anymore" oh my gosh, I have to begin organizing my to-do list months in advance so I have all my chores completed, but why oh why are there always more things that crop up at the end!!! yikes! It's just the think of wanting everything to look nice when they have been gone for so long. He has served his country with honor, he was a good soldier, his commanding officers said so - so the least I can do is make his homecoming wonderful. I know, I didn't make a sign, we always do signs, oh well.

This is the beginning of a new life for Tom, Tine and Peanut. The two of them will be going to college, well, Tine will attend the university, she's already signed up. Tom is an amazing person. He has a fabulous sense of humor and I love having him around. I can't say he hasn't driven me crazy because he has. When he was young he was a real worry but as he got older he learned to become more considerate. For Tom, I knew that loving him without borders would bring out the best in him - I have faith in him and knew he could do it. I wonder why that strong emotion that comes from a mother's love isn't reflected in all her children.

I have other children who falter along the way - I can see their potential, but also realize there is something within them that keeps them from succeeding although I don't know why. You see their positive abilities and how they apply themselves in those areas, but fail in ones that they need to grow in to survive. Is it my fault because I come to their aid too often, when should you use tough love, what are the rules for "always being there?" I feel as though my adult kids are blind to my ageing issues. It is becoming a real problem in our family between my husband and I and the kids. Our daughter has a mental illness and she is convince we are super people. I finally had to be firm in my response to helping her AGAIN!!! No, enough is enough!!!

Bob and I have not yet had the opportunity to enjoy our golden years because we are still helping raise grandchildren - not babysitting, but supporting...It is such a different lifestyle to have grandchildren live with you. There are times where it can't be helped - our situation today is one of those, but we do expect our son to get busy and try to make a life for himself and his daughter but it doesn't seem to be happening.

But - aside from all the family problems, we have Tom. My girlfriend said last night, it will be good to have Tom home because he brings so much to our home. He doesn't complain, he doesn't come in the door with problems, he's never grouchy, always has something funny going on and he has brought game playing back to our home - I love to play cards and board games - my husband won't but Tom will and we can get my husband in on it too - - it is so much fun!!!

I talked to Tom a little while ago. They are still on the road, hopefully, God willing nothing goes wrong today and they will be home tonight. He asked me if I was going to the store today and I said yes, Costco, he paused and slowly replied - and I'm thinking, oh no, he wants something really big--- they he said "I need some crazy glue!" I almost croaked, how simple is that!!!! So funny, I wasn't expecting that!!!

So that next time I write, and I promise to do better - Tom, Tine and our granddog Peanut will be home.

Do take good care and God Bless YOU!!!

Knock, knock, knock!!! Ding dong!

It is quiet here at this moment. Husband took son somewhere. I have tons of stuff to do, but rarely do I have quiet moments without interruptions, so I thought I'd use my precious time here with you. I have been on Facebook and Twitter a lot - Facebook is a quick means of visiting with a lot of friends plus my husband and I play Farmtown and Farmville - I am getting a little tired of it so not applying myself as I should, but I do it everyday because he enjoys it. It's entertaining and creative. The part of Facebook I appreciate is the fact of so many friends and family members that I have found - people I haven't seen since I went to grade school in Ohio. It's a wonderful opportunity. The Twitter is mostly for political postings for me. Quick one liners w/links sometimes. I find it inspiring and keeps me in the loop. The news networks all seem to have the same reports hour after hour. People reports a multitude of different happenings and you have the opportunity to follow through if you decide to.

In a couple of weeks, our home will take on a whole new dynamic. Tom will be discharged from the Army. It is so bittersweet decision for me. I liked him serving, but it was his decision to get out, although, he does have the right to change his mind later and still hold the same rank. I have missed him so much. As a young man he was so much fun to be around. He always had a smile and something funny to say. He was an up-lifting soul - he never grumbled or complained about anything. It was a positive force in our home. He will be coming home with his girlfriend and their dog. We love his girlfriend, she is very nice, and treats him good too. We also love their dog - it is so nice to have a pet around. Their dog's name is Peanut and she if so much tied to Tine, I have never seen a dog so attached to it's owner as Peanut is. Our dogs always belonged to everyone - even my dog Angel. They will be here only as long as it takes them to find an apartment. They both will be going to college and working too.

I have had to deal with an infected leg the past couple of weeks so I have taken in pretty easy - it's nice to be lazy for a good reason. I am lazy some days just because I want to, but Bob says since we are retired we can do what we want. I don't buy that completely because I feel as though I need to accomplish something each day - even though housework is a daily thing. I have several chores which I have to accomplish this week, they must be done, so this writing break I've taken is a golden moment which I will make up for later doing what needs to be done. No one is suffering for what I haven't done, so it's ok.

I received a note from a friend - actually she was married to my son Brian's friend. They knew each other in Germany. When Brian got sick, there were several of his friends who corresponded with me. This person has stayed with it since Brian died ten years now - unbelievable that time has passed so quickly - but it wasn't like that at first. Anywho, this person is having some awful problems. She is poor and has bad health. She is a young woman in her 30s I would assume, has diabetes, maybe breast cancer, no insurance. You know, just when you think you are in the depths of hell with your problems, you realize there are others who have it much worse. If I could help her I would, I am strapped for cash and what I had wouldn't even touch what this girl needs. All I have to offer is my friendship. I know when I am down and out and I hear from a friend with kind words of encouragement, it can make all the difference in the world to my day. Sometimes the people around us can get on our nerves and they might be a part of the problem too and a friend comes around out of the blue with just a couple extra special thought, man oh man, what a kindness that is. Please pray for her if you remember. Her name is Joan.

Having this infection in my leg has required doing special wound treatment. It reminds me so much of taking care of Brian. He had a huge bedsore that was all the way to his bone - it was horrible. We did a lot of complaining when we went to the VA hospital in LA - it was their fault it started, they were neglectful. After we brought him home and I tended him, it took me a long time, but it healed up. I know today they have more advance medical processes for healing sores - Doc wanted me to go to the Wound Center, but I knew I could handle it - so far so good, but after my appointment in another week, if it hasn't healed as he wanted it to, then I will go, but so far it looks good. I have a blood problem and have to be careful. It was a stupid accident with a cardboard box.

Getting older has brought out very negative results from my body - like being unsteady on my feet, you know, feeling clumsy. I still have bad knees - need knee replacement which I hope to do this year but doc said I MUST lose weight - boring!!! How stupid can one person be - I know it is the solution to all my problems, why am I holding back!!! I may not be perfect if I lose weight but with the knees replaced and less weight, it should allow me to be more mobile. Bob bought me a 3 wheel bike but I can't get my leg up because of the knee. So, I have made the commitment this week. I don't want it to be a commitment like all the others but I must get this weight off - it's to the benefit of my mind and my body and my future. Why would I give up in my life when I have come so far and I have dreams I want to fulfill - yet to come! I can't give up now......I preach a good sermon to others but I don't take my own advice. You know how much I love my husband, and I just can't see not fulfilling our dreams, I don't want to give up, there's too much ahead. Sometimes I blame my situation here today - the kids living with us, I want to say their stupidity in their decisions but I won't - it gets so old having them around. They are depressing. But crap-o-la, I am tired of hearing myself complain about them Only I can get out and do something about my life - so what if they choose the gutter, I've done all I can - they can't blame me for their problems, they really can't I've been a good mom, too good for them. They don't seem to get it that I need my life now, they don't seem to give a care if I feel bad, so why should I care about their bad times that they have brought on to themselves. Whoa, I didn't mean to get so into it so deeply - it all came out from down in my gut. That's why I'm here, this is my "psychiatrist" couch.

Well, they are back so I've got to go. We are going to go to the Veteran's Cemetery to put flowers on Brian's grave in a little while so I have to get dressed. We haven't visited Brian in a couple of weeks. I didn't go see my mom on her birthday or Mother's Day either - that's for another day. She and Daddy are buried at a cemetery in the middle of downtown Las Vegas, not so good part of town, so we don't go often. The cemetery there is well kept though, she has a beautiful spot. I sure do miss my son and mom and dad, but such is life.

I hope you are having a wonderful day. Do take good care of yourself and each other. God bless.

Thank You Soldiers - Veteran's Day/Memorial Day Song

You're Having My Baby

Happy Mother's Day

Today is a day set aside for children to celebrate their mother. The tradition was started in 1912 and is observed all over the world. President Woodrow Wilson was the president who made it a law in the United States.

"You're Having My Baby" was a song song by Paul Anka. In the video the music and photo bring back the memories of the days we carried our children, the days of wondering whether our precious baby would be perfect. I had my babies when I was young and close together. I was naive and under the spell of my loving partner. I would have done anything for him and having babies was a part of his fulfillment.

I loved being a young mother, I remember that so well. Unfortunately, nothing comes in beautiful wrappings tied with a simple bow that remains unwrinkled and tied forever. Within a few weeks of the birth of my first baby, he developed problems. I was so dumb, there are no instructions that comes with that beautiful package. No directions for how to tell if you have a reliable physician. As a young adult, my experiences had not given my instincts time to develop. I felt hopeless. We were fortunate to find a pediatrician after several weeks who knew what the problem was - our regular doctor blamed everything except for the real problem Had we not caught the problem when we did, he would have died. Our little tiny baby of nine weeks required surgery. Do you know how awful it is too see a little tiny baby laying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of so many places of his precious body.

Oddly enough, the same thing happened to my daughter when she was a newborn. Fortunately, this time we were smart enough to know what to do. Our doctor was so surprised this could happen to a girl and the second time in a family - he hesitated and wanted us to send her away to a hospital many miles away. We were so poor and didn't have the money to make the drive to visit. We took her to a local hospital and had the surgery performed successfully.

These are only two situations in our long life that we didn't count on to happen when we decide that we want to bring a new life into the world. We have no clue what could or does happen when we have that very important decision.

There are more stories and anxieties - especially the death of our second son. He was a beautiful son, considerate, loving, thoughtful, wonderful laugh, the ideal son.

There are now grandchildren who add a different aspect to being a parent - a golden opportunity to expand on the love that grew with our own children. Love that came from sacrifices. Love from pride of a stage play of kindergartners. Excitement of the experience of the first child receiving his high school diploma. The ultimate exhilaration watching the birth of a grandchild.

Having a baby equals celebrating Mother's Day.

What's your favorite thing to do on Sundays?

When we don't have any firm plans to go anywhere, any chores although we do relax on Sundays - no servile work, and if I don't plan on cooking a big meal, if the day is mine, nothing out of the ordinary request from my husband - I love to come back to my office and play my music CDs with the volume up and mess around on my computer, cleaning emails up, doing Facebook, Twitter, and writing mail to friends.

That's what I've been doing this afternoon. I had the window open for awhile, nice breeze coming through until the air conditioner came on - the temperatures are heating up in our desert climate. Said to get up about 85 today - just the beginning. We've had marvelous spring days. Believe me I am very thankful for these pleasant days because the temps seem to speed up towards 115 quickly. I've learned to think of it in this way - we do have wonderful winter weather and spring weather and only about two months of high heat in the upper 100s - its difficult to tolerate some days, but we know it will pass. When it is real hot we can't go out because it takes our breath away, really, so we much plan the grocery for the early morning, or one store at a time. It is dry heat and yes, there is a difference. I was raised in the mid west and had lived there in Kentucky on the farm when we raised the kids when I was in my 20 and 30s and part of my 40s and you get use to the heat and humidity - the lousy hairdos and runny makeup, but holy cow, when we've gone back on vacation, I find it miserable. So we try not to schedule trips in the summer.

I was just wondering, do you have family members who choose not be apart of your family? I've got a couple of grandkids who live with their mothers and they have not been close at all. We've tried to communicate, but they don't recripricate. It's sad to me. I know every family have their problems and it's not unusual. Life is too short but on the other hand, there's not much you can do, really. Just wondering.

Thankful for the beautiful days. The folks in Europe have their problems with the cloud of volcano dust hanging over them. Can't imagine they respiratory distress they have to deal with - must be horrible.

Hope you are well and your day is going smoothly. God bless!

Deployment

">

The next day

It is a beautiful cool day here in southern Nevada. Bob is resting. Kevin is gone somewhere and Alex is in school. I love it when the house is quiet. I have two windows in this room - not sure if I can call it my office now, reorganized so much with the idea of moving Alex in, but not sure how that's going. Bob hung a hummingbird feeder by each window and there are several trees in our front yard - the windows face front and side so I have a wonderful view of nature at its best. The temp is only 66 with the breeze it seems cooler although I know if I were sitting outside in the sun it would be warm.

Ten years ago is the day the medical examiner legally proclaimed Brian dead, even though by our first hand knowledge he died at 11:23 PM April 5. By the time I called the police and our doctor to notify them and everyone arrived and the examiner said the time had passed into the next day.

I had been involved with Bob's grandpa passing away and being there when the medical examiner came - it was not as involved as it is in a big city. Grandpa Sullivan was over 90 years old and they lived in the country. I only remember seeing the man from the funeral home and talking to him. Grandpa died in his sleep during the night and Grandma called us over - we lived right next door to them. He lived a good long life.

I was with my dad when he died in the hospital. He was sick and in a comatose condition. He had specified he didn't want to be on life support, but it was my decision to wait until my brother flew in from Ohio before I did anything. I was so angry with the hospital because we had specified a time for them to take dad off the machine - I had to work that morning and planned to leave for the hospital at noon. I was new at the job and couldn't take too much take off. It was difficult. The nursing staff took dad off the machine earlier than we planned without permission, there was no reason for it, but they did call me. It was a long stressful drive to the hospital in a lot of traffic. I was mad and told them so - very disrespectful I thought. My brother was already there when I arrived. There was enough time for me to pay my respects to my dad and he died peaceful. There was no ecstasy or miraculous sightings just peace and quiet. Dad was only 78. His life was hard. His childhood was difficult with his dad dying when he was only 10. He was a hard working man. He loved my mother so much. Mom died three years earlier.

There's so much that goes on when someone dies at home. Police, fireman, medical examiner. No time to cry. I am of the nature to be organized - dot the "i" ready to answer questions to help. When the men from the funeral home came to take Brian's body, they asked permission to wrap Brian in the white sheet I covered him with. And, so they did.

Experiencing dead first hand whether with grandfather, father or son is nothing to fear. I cherish the final time I can be with my loved one when they leave this earth. To say good bye and close the door one last time. To say Farewell my love.

This Night Ten Years Ago

Our son Brian died 10 years ago tonight. I know it is so long ago - think what has happened in your life in the past 10 years. Oh my gosh! where has the time gone. Some days have stood still.

Yesterday was Easter. After dinner we went out to Brian's grave to put flowers there for him. We always pick out carnations because the bunnies love to eat them, and there are lots of wild rabbits there in the cemetery. Brian was a sportsman and a hunter on the farm and we know he would get a big kick out of the bunnies being near him.

No matter how many years go by, I will always miss my son Brian. He was a wonderful son.

Reason

Must we have a reason or purpose for everything we do? An ultimatum? Bargaining tool? If you give me this I'll do that for you? Bribe would be a better description or hidden agenda.... shhhh, don't tell.

A well ordered running household, I think, depends on everyone pitching in and helping, either without being told and doing it when they see it needs to be done, or doing it when asked without any sassy mouth about it.

There is harmony in that and satisfaction. Life outside is noisy and distracting. The moments of peace and quiet are welcomed. Understanding and acceptance is a blessing. Love is a gift.

Neglectful of Favorite things.

It's already 9 AM, we've been up since 5 AM although once I sat down in my comfy electric reclining chair I went back to sleep. We have an odd routine these days of waking up early for no reason. Well, we're retired so it doesn't matter. We watch the weather or local news and putter around on the computer, Bob does anyhow because if I can get away with it I snooze. Six o'clock the national news comes on and I try to be awake enough to catch that on FoxNews.

I have enjoyed blogging, but have gotten distracted with a couple other things the past year. I guess it all started last March when our truck driver son Don introduced us to Facebook. I am aware Facebook has been around for a very long time, but I never got attached to it until our Don said something and I knew it would be a good way to keep in touch when he was on the road. He has an Apple laptop. Husband Bob got hooked too, and we got started with two applications of farming - although both of us are city children we did have a real farm for a period of time in our life so I guess we reminisce of those hard working days - it was a good life. We enjoy playing Farmtown & Farmville but it's a silly daily commitment - isn't that so funny!!! We think it's a riot the realization something so simple could take so much of our time. Oh well, we're retired.

In addition to blogging and Facebook, I am totally driven like bees to honey with Twitter. The individuals I follow are more political, but I do have a variety - like Martha Stewart, Copykat Recipes, MC Hammer, and many others. Of the political people I follow, there are a few who also have chosen to follow me like Dr. Henry Kissinger, Karl Rove, and others - a compliment for sure. I am a regular middle class common person certainly no high class education - I think I have some common sense and can write legibly to keep up and keep me in the game.

I have been rewarded over and over with these mediums of communication. I have broaden my sense of individualism with the choices I can select whether Twittering, Blogging or on Facebook. Oh, and most important for me is the contacts I have formed and reunions of old friends who I grew up with or those we use to live nearby. It has been glorious finding these dear friends as well as meeting new friends. All the children I taught in Religion classes at our Church have grown up and with their own children - and they are teaching and active in our church there. So gratifying to reach out and touch the past and present.

I will try to do better blogging. I have found this gift to be a treasure for my soul - especially the political blogs I have. Having the opportunity to write my innermost thoughts is very self-fulfilling. Maybe it also helps bring relief for those worrisome problems too.

Spring has been upon us here in the desert southwest for a couple of weeks now. Our hyacinths have bloomed and spread their glorious fragrance many times over but have now passed and left only the green stems that blend in with the new spring flowers blooming. I have never seen our spring flowers look so lovely. We've seen more variety of tulips than ever and we give praise to the Father for the rains we've had this season for these gifts of beauty.

Bob has planted a couple tomato plants in a new spot - with luck we might have fresh tomatoes. We have never had luck growing tomatoes here although I do know there are some people we have heard about that do get lucky, so we know it can be done. We don't want to invest a lot of money in new plants unless necessary because we do still have intentions of selling this house, eventually.

I do sincerely wish you a wonderful day. May God bless you abundantly with all your needs. Take care.

Condolences

A sweet blog with a sad ending for a Marine's wife. Please check out this blog.

Is being retired an excuse for laziness?

I have become absolutely downright lazy. I don't care. The house is picked up and laundry gets done. I do the dishes and clean up the kitchen, but I don't dust until I absolutely have to - my daily movement is minimal. What's become of this life?

Bob says "we're retire, we can do what we want!" It's embarrassing! He's right, though, I must admit. So I take consternation in the fact of life that I did work hard until a few years ago, now I never work up a sweat which I should. My butt looks like the seat of my electric chair. Do I care, heck no! As long as I have a good hair do and put some make up on to go out, I'm okay with that. There are blouses and coats to hide my butt - I'm an old lady, what do I care!

Bob and I have both lost our youthful physic. It is not a laughing matter but we don't care - well, we do, but it's at the bottom of a long list of important things to worry about or not. I know for a fact if anything happens to him I would definite not be looking for a replacement - no one would do for me what he does. He treats me like a queen. I never thought I'd see this day and I am so very grateful for it and everyday I let him know how much I love him and how much I appreciate him. At our age, we never know if it might be our last. I know we are both in descent health, but there are pains, and God doesn't send a warning message to get ready. He just knocks and swoosh its all over.

When my mom died, I was expecting it, but the last words spoken to her were hurried, not my fault, but she was so ill, and the messages were misconstrued through my dad - it was awful for me. She and I were absolutely best friends, tender, loving, trusting, laughing, close mother daughter friends. I will never forget the last telephone call because it wasn't as I would have wanted it to be. I know the last time I saw her I had flown out to Vegas from our farm in Kentucky and I left her as she was in bed. She was so ill she couldn't see me off as I got into the taxi to the airport. It was the farewell I should remember - it was sweet, with mom being humorous as was her nature, but no, I hold on to the sad remembrances of the telephone call.

I know how those final moments remain as a non erasable ink blot, never ever to be changed, so I try not to let a day go by that my husband doesn't realize how much I appreciate him.

I know you may wonder why I don't talk about my kids in the same way, but I've attempted to reach out to them, but they are still oblivious to life - they can't accept the fact we are old. One son said to me when Bob was going through his cancer radiation treatments and I expressed my worry - he said "everybody dies sometime" - wow! cruel I thought, coming from my son, but that is his mentality. So, I hold on to my husband.

I will say about my adult kids, they are strange, you might blame me but I refuse that blame. I know I could have been firmer, and I was when I thought necessary - today, I would send my son out of the house packing in a heart beat, but there is a child. My conscience wouldn't let me live one day longer if I kick a child out of my large home. We are certainly not wealthy, but we have a roof over our head and food on the table. The children shouldn't be punished for the sins and attitude of the parents. I will say, this son is a devoted father, he is wonderful to his daughter. However nice both of my boys are they do have weird ideas and lifestyles I don't understand.

My mother-in-law didn't like me, but I treated her as I thought God would want me to treat her. To the day of her death, she proclaimed that I was an awful person. No matter that I never cheated on her son and I was devoted, and cared for Brian, raised a grandson and helped a daughter who was mentally disturbed , yes, I was an awful person. I don't regret that I gave her what I thought God wanted - I let God be my guide, just as I do with my children. They will feel the pain of their actions one day. Just as my mother-in-law lost so much being so negative and jealous in her death.

Reaping the rewards God has given us while we are on this earth whatever our life is and being grateful for them is my daily prayer. Through all the turmoil of life, I know I am blessed. And as Bob and I go through each of our days of retirement, lazy, doing the absolutely bare necessities we can laugh at how silly it all can be. Putting off until tomorrow what we should have done today is our favorite saying. And so far it's worked pretty good.

Pleasant evening

What is your favorite thing to do in the evening after fixing dinner and doing the dishes? I'm sure you have routines, but there must be something that really is so relaxing and happens so seldom so you really appreciate the time. Tonight I had the opportunity to experience an evening of oneness. This is a unique occasion lately, don't know why, but Bob and I have gotten into a particular routine of doing the same thing every night.

Tonight I came back to my office and put a George Strait CD in my player and cranked up the sound. This room is my hideout, although I am not far away if anyone needs or wants me, but far away I am out of sight. I can sing off key all I want without any comments.

I think we all need that special place to go to be alone to reclaim ourselves. Raising a family, working, tending spouse's needs and all the other claims on our time we forget to be calm and listen. I know there's no listening with George Strait singing, but in the time that I've been here, I've posted photos on my Facebook page, commented on Twitter, did my Farmtown and Farmville, did some bills, and wrote some emails. I know that doesn't see like earth shattering stuff but for me it's therapy being alone in my own environment because I don't have that opportunity that often.

What's your favorite relaxing pastime?

Today's Remembrance

Today my husband went to a memorial service for a young woman who was only 26 years young. Bob had worked with her father and mother at Hoover Dam. We heard about the death of the beautiful girl through a friend of mine whose husband works at the dam as well. The mother of the young woman had been friends with Bob and they often had discussed situations that happened as they raised their children. This young woman who died was their only child.

She was doing what she loved. She was riding her horse, something spooked the house and it threw the young girl and the horse fell on her. That is the story I was told. She died instantly.

In April, we will look back 10 years since our son died and the pain and sorrow is still very real. Does it get easier - no, it doesn't. Everyday we miss him. I cried when I heard about her death because I knew the pain of the mother.

Bob said he never attended a funeral service where there were so many people in attendance. There were no parking spaces so people had to park on the street and walk a distance. There was standing room only. She was well known in her community and well liked.

Bob said it was all he could do to walk in the building. His pain was strong because he knew. He had to sit down and compose himself before approaching his friends to express our condolences. I couldn't attend, I just couldn't. I cried as I watched Bob get ready to go, I cried as I watched Bob drive down the street. I didn't want to be so out of control at this time in respect of those dear people. There will be another time to be with them.

Bob said they were handling it better than him. Well, you do, don't you. While everything is going on, and everyone is around to console you, you are busy taking care of business and seeing that everything and everyone is taken care of - you think of everyone else at a time like this ========until everyone is gone, until the last relative goes home, until you are in that house alone with only the sound, the smell, the quiet, then it hits you, and it never ever goes away.

Bob said they had a prepared slide show of her life with the music she enjoyed playing in the background and it was very soothing. Her girlfriends had poems, her boyfriend spoke a few words to personal tribute and their minister and others gave a memorial as well. It must have been a beautiful tribute to a very loved woman who left this life too soon - she left this life to go to the Father. The Father wanted our son Brian sooner than we wanted to give him up too. It is the most difficult experience to come to terms with in life, giving up a child before their time, what we believe is their time.

I can't stop crying today.

Time to clean house

A couple of things...................Hope you had a special Valentine's Day yesterday! Granddaughter went to her friend's house I'm so glad, she needs to be around kids her age more often. We finally decided to go out to eat, I didn't even make pancakes for breakfast. Went to Metro Pizza, our favorite place to eat, a tad pricey, but service is terrific and food outstanding. Nice time.

Must get in gear and get some spring cleaning and clear out going. The temp is warming up here in southern desert area, so maybe that's a stimulant to get busy. Only three plus some months and the kids - Tom and Tine will be home, so as slow as I work these days, I'd best get on it. They'll be with us until they find someplace permanent to live. Both will work and go to college full time, and we'll have our grand-dog too - yippee - really, can't wait! I miss having a dog in the house. We've had some kind of animal since we were first married. After my yellow lab, Angel, died a couple years ago, Bob said no more until we move - especially for showing the house when it's up for sale - don't know when that will be.

My thought for today has been centered on regrets. Do you have regrets? Do you wish you had made a decision differently when it was in your control - but you made it one way and look back and regretted the choice.

I have several regrets, admittedly my choices were my decision without any pressure. The most recent was several years ago. I made a decision to go in a direction taking a job which seemed the safest at the time and with that came opinions about the previous job. I am easily led and have a big mouth. I regret my actions so much because I lost a good friendship. There was a lot to this particular experience, but I know in my heart how I behaved, what I did and what I said was tacky. I am gullible. Now I am living with a guilty conscience. I have attempted to patch it up, but it's not happening. This was one of those things where you learn the lesson to be responsible for what you say and to guard your opinions because they can come back to haunt you.

Busy Monday here in our household. Beautiful sunny day out, temps up near the 70s. Gathering things to give to Charity - we have lots of things we need to clear out and I don't do yard sales. Clear outs are my focus this week. Need to clean out the spring flower beds too. The spring bulbs have about four inch growths on them and there's winter debris around them which is a distraction. Bob and I will work together today to accomplish a few enjoyable necessary tasks.

Hope you are all well and life is good where ever you are. May God bless you abundantly with good health and a great day. Take care.

Valentine's Day

It's 8 AM, just finished watching our usual Sunday morning program and now Bob is taking out the trash and will feed the birds, then back to bed. We woke up and GOT up at 3:30 this morning - it is the craziest thing. I guess it's a bad habit we've started but when you're retired and have no where to go, who cares, it really doesn't make any difference how many naps you take or how long you sleep.

Since Christmas, it's been pretty quiet around here - Bob did have to get up and out of the house early when we was taking his radiology treatments, but they are finished. And the treatments made him extremely tired, so there was a reason for the weariness, but normally, it's just a "whatever' kind of lazy environment around here.

Our Valentine's day has started off differently than any of the others in the past - there's no chocolates, no flowers - although we did buy a potted mum plant to replace one that passed away and he wanted to leave it on the table "to enjoy" for awhile - he said. We're not going out to eat, but I do plan on cooking him pancakes if he will prepare the rest - he likes a big breakfast, I don't. So, that is our agreement, and I'll see about the rest of the day and maybe come up with something special for dinner. I'll have to check out the freezer for ribs or something.

It looks like spring outside and it is a beautiful day. There are lots of birds hanging around, feeding and doing their spring thing. We started walking finally. I am a disaster at exercising. I use to go to the gym and do aerobics for an hour then ride the exercise bike for 30 minutes. Heck now I'm lucky to walk it around our part of our acre property that is vacant twice without breathing hard. Of course, we both still have the knee problems which we haven't done anything about yet, but if we take it easy it's okay. I am making a concerted effort to change my activity this spring and with Bob's support, I will succeed. Knee surgery is on hold for both of us - for now.

We did buy lovely Valentine's cards for each other although it was at the same time, at the same store. Boy, that was uncomfortable and sort of funny! He had to leave the area as I searched and I had done the same for him. After we got home I had Kevin take Bob's card out of the bag so Bob could hide it. Seems sort of goofy! We haven't exchanged the cards yet - probably over pancakes this morning - oh, he did suggest going out for coffee and Crispy Creme donuts for breakfast, but I declined, rather eat at home.

I hope you have a lovely day! Take care and God bless.

Computers are Frustrating Machines!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the grand scheme of life, there are several goals I am striving to achieve in my lifetime. A couple I have my doubts of reaching but one task at hand, today, here and now, within reach is driving me nuts. Just when I think I've got a good handle on it, yeikes! something else stands in my way. This isn't for everyone. Some of my friends will think this is so boring. Those who know me well wouldn't be surprised but would most likely run away in the opposite direction. I don't have any friends to interact with on this either, even hubby is in the dark and for the most part, I'd rather he stay out of it. I know I have written recently how wonderful he is, but there are dark sides of our relationship - disagreements on how some things should be handled, dealt with, done, ended, stopped. Computers is a very huge sore spot between us - he has his and I have mine - he is absolutely positively not permitted to touch my computers. He puts a curse on my stuff. We have different ideas, so to be safe no, nadda, nil.

Ok, so you've probably come to the conclusion it is a computer related thing, yes, that's correct! For ever and ever, I have wanted to achieve organizing my photos in some type of filing system on one computer. Seems simple enough but I have blotched it up so many times - I didn't need Bob's help either. DON'T say it - no, I am not asking for his help.......no way!

So now I have this new laptop, I've gathered all my memory cards and sticks and back ups and copied everything important from my other HP tower which still has Vista - I am going to install Windows 7 on it and want to get all my important data and photos off it just in case - they do recommend that in the instructions. I have recognized my "doo-doo" mistakes throughout the years and realized that I have copied numerous photo over and over numerous times, so I have umpteen duplicated copies of MANY photos.

Unfortunately to my huge disappointment I discover this computer has at least three different photo programs and the one that pops up to show the photos from my memory card is horrible - its installed HP programs. I've tried everything to find where I can change the default without any luck - they do this on purpose, I think, to keep us crazy. Oh, my Holy Mother of God, Our Father, who art in Heaven, please help me!!! Nothin is simple! Then I found my Canon camera CD with a photo program on it and installed it, thinking it should be the best, wrong! holy cow, it was so complicated, even I couldn't figure it out - it was my best guess the program was for advanced photographers which I am not. I just want a simple, but good photo program that will help me catalog my photos appropriately. I have discovered a way to open my photos at last in the program I want but it is time consuming and I know it should be easier than this.

At this point, I have decided to take the time and attempt to sort out the duplicated photos and delete then copy every photo onto the portable media drive I have which holds 350 gigs and that's a lot of photos.

I remember the days when we put our photos in Family albums - remember the day of Kodak 200 speed film, and then came CDs, oh yes, I have loads of them too but at least I have photos from the CDs. Today we have the opportunity to save our photos on the Internet, but in my opinion not everything is safe on some Internet technical storage format somewhere out there in the universe. I do like Picasa - a Google storage format, but with the insecurity of our economical market and the possibility that Google could be sold, I don't want to trust anyone with my photos or any priceless information.

I have to find a hiding place for all my little digital memory thingies, a place I won't forget where I've put them. The advantage of the Portable media Drive is that it has a carrying case plus fits into the HP tower computer for backing up data, with connectors for all computers for back up too.

We've put selling the house on the back burner for now. Bob's cancer treatments are finished and he has a check up which will tell us where he stands with that. Getting knee surgery is next on the list, but I will wait for Bob to get his done. I'm going no where with a diet - too much stress and worry. The kids will be home in June and maybe then we'll know what we'll do about the house situation. We are looking on the realtor.com website on the Internet for homes everyday and until something jumps out and knocks us out, we're here for the duration and I'll be at this computer trying to straighten out the mess I've gotten my photos into.

If anyone out there in Blogville has a suggestion for a good photo program for cataloging --- please, help!!!!

God bless you all. Take good care, keep warm and keep safe.

What do you want for Valentine's Day?

Or better yet - what value do you or your lover put on Valentine's Day and how you celebrate?


Hubby and I were just now chatting about Valentine's Day, actually I brought it up, wondering out loud when it was. I was having a memory lapse and couldn't remember what today's date was and when was Valentine's Day. Ok! so it's next Sunday, what now? I apprehensively glance over at him. He is sitting in his chair to the right of me about ten feet away working on his laptop computer while we watch the CBS Sunday Morning program, we never miss it, and I ask him the $24,000.00 question "what are we going to do for Valentine's Day?" His response............silence. Typical....after 45 years, I know it's up to me. He is not the "surprise ya!" kind of guy.

Oops! but then I remember, I already have his Valentine's gift. It wasn't wrapped up in pretty red paper with a giant bow, in fact, it came in a cardboard box with a handle. I was thinking what is one woman's diamond is another's set of sheets, although I prefer pearls over diamonds. And, for sure, not every woman would be so satisfied with my gift that came in a cardboard box, unwrapped. So, I ask "What appeals to you?" What would really set you off and make you ooohhhhh and aaahhhh when you open your Valentine's Day gift? Even you guys, being serious of course - I think of giving my husband a nice cooked meal or going out for dinner to his favorite spot, we don't exchange gifts on Valentine's Day, so I don't have to scan my brain wondering what to give him. I wonder why it's all about the female. Seems sort of one sided. We do exchange cards. He is difficult to buy for, he is the guy who has everything. I'll have to think on that one.

We moved from our designated sitting sites in the living room to the kitchen table for breakfast and now Bob has left the area and is off to take his morning nap - we're retired, but even on Sundays he has routine naps. The area on his forehead where he was receiving radiation treatments for cancer looks good. I hope it is healed on the inside. I don't know how the doctors know just by looking.

Bob has given me many gifts in our years together. He struggles to pick out just the right one. He says I am difficult to choose for and I know it is because we have different tastes. As I've gotten older I face the reality of our differences. It must be realized there's more to love than gifts and the words on greeting cards although the words are true and everlasting and at times necessary to hear.

Today he is very gifted in giving and caring for the simple comfort in life. I waited on him "hand and foot" when we were young - because I wanted to. I catered to his every need because I wanted to make him happy. If it sounds icky and too mushy, it is, but it worked for us. Now, today he cares for me. I have medical needs and I don't have to ask twice or ask at all, he is there, he can predict. He does so willingly, with a very caring heart and a beautiful smile. He would do anything for me - and I know our devotion and dedication from day one has paid off. He needed me when I was young and strong to be his strength and at his side, today as I have lost my vitality I have his strength and devotion as I grow old.

His gift in a cardboard box came from one of our favorite stores. We were shopping for a few items only a few days ago and came across it at the end of the counter. It is something he knew I thought about getting eventually after a few bills were paid off. He said he couldn't resist the glistening and pitiful foreboding begging look in my eyes especially when I saw the price and knew the value plus the warranties - yes, I am thoughtful of those things. He nodded yes, and I think the excitement vibrated through the rest of the store - I have no proof of that but it felt that way to me. I grinned through the remainder of the shopping trip and couldn't wait to get home to open my cardboard box. I had to share my happiness with every employee I saw until the last when I actually picked it up from that special holding place. Jubilee, yippee!

My special Valentine's Day gift was a laptop computer, the one I'm typing on - with Windows 7 - now that is so exciting to me. Bob and I share many things together and he understands how I enjoy having a top notch working machine and it matters to me. I can't wear it around my neck or on my finger, but I do use it from early morning to late evening for all sorts of tasks. This is the best gift of all - finally a computer with Windows 7!

So, speaking as a well traveled been around the block sweetheart, Valentine's Day is so very nice for the young, but when you have years behind you, having a lover who knows your needs and provides your desires when needed, Valentine's Day is everyday.