Choices

When does it stop, if ever? Responsibility and common sense. Is there ever a time when one can just be free and have no responsibility or worries? I remember a time when I was young, first married, and we moved so many times from one part of the U. S. to the other - just because. My husband had no fear and he could do anything, a jack of all trades sort of guy. This is not anything I wanted, but it was what my spouse wanted and I was raised by "old school" and did what my man wanted (as long as it was legal, of course). I am at a time in my life of being an old lady and some days feel as though I have lost some of my "marbles." There are challenges and choices. I am having difficulties making up my mind. I wonder if it's because for such a long period of time the choice and decision of so many things were not really up to me - the bottom last word was his, my main man. Ah, never thought of that! Could that be the answer to my struggle, could that be the reason I wain and can't make a choice? Oh, that's too easy.

Being responsible verses throwing caution to the wind and doing what I would really like to do is compared to having one of my wisdom teeth pulled. It's a painful struggle. I am tempted to do exactly what I want, but I've made promises. My heart and tears are pulling me in one direction, and a promise made is the silent argument against and there are other obsticles - like money. Why is that sometimes the bottom line - the principle of being stawart and sticking to the pencils edge of the budget and commitment to oneself. Why can't I just let it go and do what my heart really wants to do - - am I a coward for not stepping out and jumping off the hill - there will be no clifts because I know I wouldn't survive. I know I can finaggle the budget and get back on track, that's not a viable argument, not a solid one in my mind right now. At my age, sometimes it is important to look beyond the pencils edge of numbers because fortunately for me, I can make it up down the line although I know it's not that easy for others.

So, here I sit, it's not too late, well, it almost is, if only I had started sooner, if only!!! Timing is not always on target and its not always that simple, or is it? It is procrastination? I complain our grandson, Soldier Tom - the beautiful child we raised, is the worse procrastinator I've met, but could he get some of that from me? I don't think so, usually I am right on point. But, I've been down this road before and the same decision was before me - this is the second time, maybe I won't get another chance. I don't like being boxed in, I really don't - which prodding voice in my head do I listen to - the clock is ticking, not much time to decide, can't wait too much longer, then it will be too late again. Like the domino effect, once the clock has ticked past that one bronze hours, it will be too late, and the decision will have been made. I hate getting old, I hate that I am put into this corner - which comes first this time - - - family or my heart! Will I have regrets? Regrets will make me miserable especially if the outcome is devistating for my reason to go.

I have been given a path to follow, I know, by the Almighty God. He has given me and my partner unselfish love for caring for each other and the family and children He has given us regardless of their problems or needs. Commitment can be a dirty word to me because it has kept me from doing what I really want to do and I won't sin again commitment. It is my personality and standard. Today I am again faced with that but this choice is not because of a fun event, but a sad one. My heart strings are again being pulled to their painful end. I cry, cry and cry but to no avail. The pain is deep and won't be eased through tears.

I know the decision will be regretted. I've prayed for a miracle so I could go, but life isn't that easy. I only hope and pray that I do have time. I pray because it's out of my hands and He knows the volume of love I have and the need to be filled. I know He will take care of things, even if I don't SEE His actions. I pray another day will come. Please Lord, I ask you to please take care of her, please let me have the chance to be with her before you take her. In Jesus name I pray.