What's love got to do with it?

Tears! Have you ever been so tore up, upset, and sad, you couldn't stop crying? It made me so ticked off when I am in public and I'm overcome with the thought of something so close to me and I burst out crying. I bite my tongue, hold my breathe and do anything else I can think of to make me stop shedding those tears.

You see, my husband has a cancer spot on his forehead. It has been diagnosed as a basal cell carcinoma. It is the most common cancer and treatable. He had his last radiation treatment today. The spot on his head from the treatment is redness about the size of a baseball with scabs from sores on the area. He did have the choice to have surgery and have the cancer area cut out, with the probably of having to have a skin graft. He decided to have the radiation treatment instead.

I believe the doctor and nurse - they seem very reliable. They say he has done fine and they will see him again in a month unless he feels the need to come in sooner. The only other side effect has been being very tired. He's retired and manages to get the tasks completed he wishes to complete, so it's no big deal for him to rest, play on his computer, or take naps. We have no pressing schedules around here.

The sadness overwhelms me when I think of being without him. We've been together almost 46 years. I joke I don't want to train another man, but in reality I don't want anyone else. When I saw him for the first time I thought he was gorgeous, then when we met and danced for the first time, it was magic. Within four and a half months we were married - and no, I wasn't pregnant. It was love, magic, genuine outrageous, marvelous love.

Today, I still enjoy watching him even though the energized walk he had as a young man has turned into a slow, sometimes wobble - yes, and to add, we both wobble these day - its those damn knees - you know, time for a total knee replacement, both of us. Old age, crap, why when we should be able to really enjoy our life.

I woke up a few years ago after he had retired and saw him in a different light, a different prospective, and I was surprised. When you are so busy raising your kids, helping your parents and grandparents, neighbors and being active in church, the days pass and sometimes you take your closest partner for granted - you don't want to, but it just happens. I realize he had a huge sense of humor. We have always laughed from the moment I met him, but I never stopped to realize how funny he was - I was shocked at myself for not realizing it. Our grandson made that remark recently. We had taken him and his girlfriend out to a German restaurant for dinner. Bob and I were being silly and we were cracking up laughing - I have a loud weird laugh, Bob's laugh is sweet but his face gets real red and tears explode from his eyes - humorous tears from laughter. Tom was so shocked, he and Tine were so surprised - they had to join in because it was so contagious. He had not seen Bob explode in tearful laughter before. Realizing the depth of his humor was only the tip of the iceberg, it is amazing how you can be married to the same person for so many years, yet still find out new things about that person.

One bond we have always had is a physical one of holding hands. He told me once it was sensual for him. There is something very tender and content in holding hands. I don't remember a time when we went anywhere that unconsciously we didn't hold hands - the contact, his guiding me, leading me, protecting me, his loving way. After all these years, I still enjoy touching him on his arm or kissing his cheek. Our kisses are still as tender and endearing as they were when we were young, maybe even more.

When you are old, life's moments have more meaning so it would be reasonable to say love is deeper and more meaningful. We are very lucky to have survived life's challenges and tragedies and are on a higher plateau than when we started as young lovers.

So, rightfully so, the mere thought of any possibility of an illness ever so slight that could take him away from me brings me to the brink of tears and there is no holding me back when the mood is right, there is no stopping the thoughts of my life without him. He is my right hand, left hand, and my man. I know, I know, life is life. But, I can't imagine life without him and I won't, so I let the tears fall as they may because its all I have right now. I am thankful for his presence and so grateful for the life he has given me. So, what's love got to do with it - everything, nothing less, the highest element of emotion all wrapped up in Love between two people.