Faith

For us Catholics - it's All Saint's Day. and tomorrow All Souls. I have to admit, I have failed to be a faithful follower of my Church. I don't mean rejecting the beliefs, I mean following the rules as I should - I am a halfway follower right now. A situation happened at the church we are donating parishioners of and the action of that person of high stature in our church changed my attitude of attendance. I am not without guilt and I do have hope of return. Having attended Catholic school all my life, I cannot ever lose the attachment to the values I was taught, nor do I want to. Being away from my Catholic family in Ohio for so many years has probably played a role in my feelings too because when I go home, it's all back to normal there. Moving to a place where there's no "sharing" and "comfort" it's easy to slide away too.

One of my life's disaster caused the Faith in my Father to be strained and it was when my son died. At that time, I had deep deep hope and enormous trust and I gave my son all my strength caring for him. As a mother, I think, we feel as though we can do anything for our children because we gave birth to them - after all we brought them into this world. And, when something bad happens to them, we think we can solve their every problem. I took this challenge on when we brought Brian home from the VA hospital. The medical team there said Brian would be dead within a short time - he wouldn't survive outside the medical environment. I proved them wrong and healed him of the awful bed sores he had developed in the VA hospital, helped his contracted limbs to straighten out to some degree and he gained weight. He looked so much better. But as in all things and those things which cannot be answered, he wasn't to survive or recover from his brain injuries and other health problems. He lived for nine years after we brought him home from the VA hospital. He died at home.

My faith changed when Brian died. All the strength I had I gave him. Not only Brian, but right after we bought Brian home, we discovered our daughter had a mental disability and then we raise her son because of her inability to accept any responsibility for herself or her son. We had our other children who were having problems, and then my husband - he was always first in my life and now this time we had to share the commitment and still try to make quality time for each other. We made it but it wasn't an easy task. I know we were both Blessed with an abundance of love for each other and our convictions.

I've been through many trials and tribulations, but losing Brian tarnished my faith and hope. It's been eight years since Brian passed away and it has been a battle to get to the place I was in my faith before his death. I may never reach that place again, but in my heart where even I find complete faith I hope that I find comfort. I have not stopped praying for our needs and the needs of others, I know He hears my prayers and I know that it is I who is not Feeling - I know that God is always there - I know it is I who hasn't reached out and maybe because I haven't "forgiven" Him for taking Brian from me. Please don't give me the argument that Brian is in a better place - - I KNOW that, I wouldn't want him back to what he was, I know that he is better, but I miss him so. I know what a difference he would have made in our family. I know what a good person he is and he would have helped Tom and he would have been a good influence on his brothers and sister when they had problems. He would have given us beautiful children, he had a wonderful girlfriend who was devoted to him. Those thoughts are all my unattainable dreams. Today I go on everyday attempting to deal with the problems at hand and seeing joy in the people around me as they bring their presence to me daily.

A mother never gets over the loss of a child. When a child dies, so does a part of her. The child is always alive in her, but words are not exchanged. No matter how long ago they pass away, the tears never go away.

Brian's accident was on November 8th, 1989. He was serving with the U. S. Army in Stuttgart, Germany. That day changed the course of our life forever.