1989

I've been in a shroud of big time stress for a few months, not the normal routine type everyday stress. As an optimistic person, it would seem that I should naturally believe the stress will go away at some point or I will handle it relatively easy. While I may "believe" optimistically - in reality I have constantly been deceived, and the stress has only gotten worse. Granted the economical environment hasn't helped but there's more to it. I do adhere to the belief we make our own day by how we handle the situations placed in front of us. But, as I am flying in space faster than a speeding bullet to the age of medicare, 65, I can't help but wonder that getting older presents a larger challenge to accept the stress of every day.

In the year of 1989, I was 45 - it was the year of Brian's accident and the death of my father. I was taking college classes at night and working full time, even had a membership at a health club. Prior to those times, I had been a full time mother, and even full time farm wife, working at part time jobs occasionally and taking some business classes at schools in our area - but it was my age of conviction and can do anything - and did. We had four children, and after two left, we even took in foster children.

The year of 1986 my mom died, we moved to Vegas to help my dad, he passed away in 89, and two months to the day dad died, we got the call from the Army in Germany that Brian had a serious accident. My life completely changed on that day. August of 1991 we brought Brian home from the VA hospital in LA - the treatment there was horrendous - he had serious brain damage and respiratory problems, I committed to care for him full time 24/7- he survived and looked wonderful, but never recovered from his brain injury or the respiratory problems. Within a few months after we brought Brian home, our daughter became mentally ill, and she brought her son, our grandson, Tom, and dropped him off on our doorstep - they had lived with us but I insisted she try to live on her own and raise Tom, I even paid for her apartment. Her mental illness was so severe, she couldn't care for Tom. It took us months to persuade her to commit herself to the mental hospital. Meanwhile, caring for Brian and raising Tom wasn't easy. It would take a whole blog to explain, someday I'll put it there.

We did raise Tom as one of our own. We saw him through all 12 years of school and some college, then he choose the Army, and this will always be his home. He has grown up to be a very fine person, with a great personality and sense of humor. It wasn't easy for him to be separated from his mother - he really loves her, nor was it easy for us caring for Brian and raising another child, plus dealing with our daughter's problems.

Today, our youngest son and granddaughter are living with us; and our oldest son, the truck driver who was living with us and recovering from unemployment and a motorcycle accident is now back to truck driving so he is on the road but stops by every couple of weeks.

We grandmothers are a generation different from our mothers. We would never have expected our mother's to do what our children expect of us - although my husband says - we could just say no. Our relationship with our grandchildren is no longer visit, spoil, then send them home. No, we usually have "borderline parental responsibility" for them now. It is difficult because when you look into their beautiful innocent faces, you know its not their fault their parents are having financial difficulties or other problems but nonetheless, it isn't any easier being a senior citizen and not having the patience or the endurance when we were 41.

There is no answer to this day and age, and as the economy gets worse, will our responsibility become more? Will our plans for a grandiose retirement as my parents had become more hostile and a fear of heading to the poor house instead? I have resentment and guilt daily for my feelings and fears. We want to run away with no forwarding address or telephone number. No more handing out spare keys and no more extra food in the refrigerator. It sounds so ridiculous that it's almost funny, especially when we make excuses to go out to eat just to be alone. There are times when we do take the kids out to eat on special occasions or prepare extra special meals at home, but its too expensive to eat out with a bunch these days. And, I don't know about you, but it has become very difficult on my body to prepare a grand meal for my bunch even with help from my husband.

So, I ask you grandmas - is this our legacy? We are the era of Aquarius and bra-less parades, and equality, is this what we earned? Hey, just to set the story straight I didn't go bra less in public ever, and I'm a true Leo, Equality - boy did I know better, I learned the truth about "equality" a long time ago!!!! So, hey, whats to become of our generation of grandmas? I surely don't want to lose sight of heading off to Maine and sitting on the beach for hours on end reading a good book. We did that a couple of years ago - just he and I - oh, Lordy, Lordy, the clam chowder was super duper and the lobster, ooooo lalala! Dreams and memories - right now, that's all there is!