Morning

Sitting by the opened window and feeling the chilly breeze across my face, it reminds me of how it is near the ocean, ah, how wonderful that would be to be there right now. There is a cloudiness in the air similar to the environment of the early morning by the sea, but we are not there. Most of the view outside my window is captured by our mature trees and their branches swaying by the morning winds. The sun is sheltered by overcast. In the distant I can see a couple miles away the barren desert Black Mountain which is the reality of the place we live and prevents escape from the desolation of desert life. It is early morning, the dogs are barking in the neighborhood and there are many birds singing in the distance. It is peaceful.

Outside my window the hummingbird feeder is swaying in the breeze and a hummingbird feeding. We have noticed the hummers are busiest during the early morning and late evening before nightfall. It is our perception to discuss their activity like child's play. They guard their feeders and position on a slim tiny branch, chasing any other hummer away so as not to steal their precious sweet nectar from the feeders Bob provides for them. It's pretty amazing to watch these tiny creature performing their daily routine.

Our home has been unnaturally quiet the past several days. Tom and Tine left early Tuesday morning and Kevin and Alex also left to stay at a friend's place house sitting. Although my heart struggles with sadness and expresses the void in tears missing Tom, my body and soul has found the solitude and quiet to be most pleasurable. I realize now that I need a time out away from the youthful side of life to gather my life which has passed on to a more mature nature. My husband made what I thought at the time a very unusual comment to me that I haven't had time for myself to do what I have wanted to do. He said I have been so busy making preparation for visitors and caring for our family for so long that I haven't taken to accomplish my interests, my desires have been pushed aside. I was shocked because isn't that normal for a mother? I thought about what he said and realized how worn out I feel and how stressed this visit was. I thought of my mother and my aunts and knew at my age they were done with the tasks I was expected to do - the "invisible organizational head honcho of family get togethers" was passed to the next generation and they in their venerable age were and are able to enjoy as bystanders. I realized too as I sat with the "kids" how tired I was and how full of energy the kids were as they put on a full court press to encourage me to join in their games. While Bob can become a recluse and get away from the gang, they almost accept the fact he will be taking naps, they do not see the same in me. Tine asked me what I did on the day they were gone for a full days activities and I said I slept all day - and I did. I couldn't believe it anymore than she did - I know because her invisible response was evident by the expression on her face. But admittedly I did nap most of the day they were gone. I could not get enough out of one nap, there were many strung out together, very unusual for me.

I don't know where to begin to start with my freedom. The breeze blowing through my window is chilling but calming. I wait for answers to our question of where to go and where to live when we sell this house, and I know I want to hang on to this freedom and not be responsible for my children any longer. I want them to let go of my apron strings but my heart is too big to say no to their needy requests - I know that is my fault. I have used tough love in my younger days, but the fight has gone out of my spirit and I give in too easy. It is time to be free while I have some semblance of good health, albeit with lots of unusual problems, but none serious enough at this time to put me down.

When Tom was getting ready to leave Tuesday morning, I told him the rest of this year would bring a lot of changes and we don't know what they will be. He is serious about Tine so only our imagination can predict where that will take him, but reality is another life check. I worry for Alex and Kevin, but I don't want to raise another teenager. The symptoms of the girly age eight and a half personality changes are showing through on Alex now. The position of grandmother is removed and the discipline of mothering is evident. I don't want that. I've already given my heart and soul to one grandchild - and he needed it more than anyone. Alex has a mother and a father. Her mother needs to be there for her daughter, not me. It is difficult to admit these things because as a mother we are mentally everything to all but there is a limit. My limit has been met.

Strangely I am thinking and with humor I write, I want to be me - finally. I wonder............