Have you ever let your female emotions ruin a good day?

Now, I think that is a really loaded question but one I think, every mother has experienced. If you haven't, then you are very fortunate. It's 4:55 AM Las Vegas time - it's quiet in the house so I can focus and write. I continue to wake up every morning at 3:00 AM and can't go back to sleep - maybe that's why I'm emotional!!!!

As you know Tom is home with his friend Tina, also truckdriving son, Don, and then there's Kevin and Alexandra who live with us - and daughter Suz who has joined us for every get together. A situation happened and I felt I should write about it - it's like a woman/mother thing that affects the whole family. I know I can't be the only mother who's been in the same predictiment, but this time it bothers me deeper than ever because of Tom.

Mothers who "rule" are responsible for almost everything in the family from reservations, transportation, clean clothes, clean house, food, etc - you know the routine. It's been a long road for me lately, with the worries of selling the house, packing boxes, looking for and deciding where we will live - here or there or in Texas - then getting ready for Tom and Tina, and all the rest - you know how it goes!!! The bugger for me is my age and limitations, and even when I was much younger too much stress and expectance lead me to an outburst at a breaking point due to the non-cooperation of other participants.

The other afternoon we were all together - a grand task for sure. We are a small group but someone always seems to have "plans" so when we can all be at one place for several hours - it is a grand celebration - you know what I mean, I know you do. I had hoped for a long time that we could all go to the cemetery to put flowers at Brian's grave - together! Unfortunately, sadly, we have not done this as a family - all together. Bob and I go often, and the kids have come with us occasional if they are around and they do go on their own. I had hoped on Memorial Day we could do it - but the plans weren't jelling for that, but on Sunday evening, there we were - all together - we were bowling and having a great time.

The thought came to mind it is a perfect time to go see Brian. I could kidnap everyone and haul them all up to Boulder City before they had time to look at their watches or remember a friend was waiting. Yes, I thought of it, and knew it was a marvelous idea - I could do it!!! Well, at the middle of the second game of bowling Bob started having breathing problems. It's been pretty stressful around the house although no one knows this but he and I. I know with all the excitment and he exerting himself to bowl which he was doing a great job at - it was getting to him. He had his nitro spray with him and his breathing inhaler and he was determined to finish the game. No one else recognized or realized this - they were having a good time but I knew. I also knew he needed to go home after the game. I know he would have gone to the cemetery for my sake but I also know he was here and now and most important.

I could have arranged something else, I am sure, but I have been upset that in my old age I cannot pull it all together as I did when I was younger. I am very remorseful that we missed a wonderful opportunity to be together to memorialize Brian and to share a very special part of our family with Tina for Tom's sake. And, too, to give thanks to Soldier Tom for his sacrifices as he has been serving in the Army.

We cannot predict the next minute of our life and our judgements can be so predestined by our emotions and health as well. We have to grasp at the good times and be thankful for what comes into our life each moment and never take it for granted. I have been hard on Tom this visit and he has been confused because I never expected so much as I have this time. He has a lot of friends and many parents really like him - he would never be at a loss for a place to stay - they all like Tom, so when he comes home, he is gone a lot. This trip I wanted to see him more than ever. It was a shock and we came to cross words because of it. He didn't realize nor understood some of it but we agreed to compromise which we both felt we had done. At least we both are more aware of each other's feelings - a grand step for a young man growing up and for the grandma who raised this young man and let him go to grow and prosper. I told him he is so much fun to have around. He brings joy, happiness and laughter when he is around. As I am older, time means more to me than ever before, it is precious. I want to enjoy him as much as I can without being selfish. He still has another week and will have opportunities now to see the rest of his friends.

But as is the grand realities of life - there's never enough time to accomplish all we want to accomplish, is there?